03-19-2015, 09:15 AM
On my first read I felt like it needed some punctuation to help me out with rhythm. However, the absence of commas or full-stops gives the poem a certain look on the page which I quite like.
Is the last line supposed to read: 'his song sings slurred', rather than 'son sings slurred'? If the intention was the first, I think the personification of the song would make this line the best, if it could be changed to be grammatically correct e.g. His song sings in slurs or A song of slurs.
I likely would not have understood the story arc without the poem's title. It wasn't clear in stanza three who had been shot because the final line of that stanza did not make sense to me. I'd switch the syntax around.
The use of the word 'hobo' in the title seems at odds with the intent of the poem - if the idea is to make us feel sad that this man has been shot why use dehumanising slang in the title?
In general I'd say the use of mixed rhyming forms isn't helping the poem. It interrupted the read for me to have perfect rhymes e.g. dead and head, as well as assonance or non-rhymes. The changing rhyming structure (AABB then ABAB) had the same effect.
Is the last line supposed to read: 'his song sings slurred', rather than 'son sings slurred'? If the intention was the first, I think the personification of the song would make this line the best, if it could be changed to be grammatically correct e.g. His song sings in slurs or A song of slurs.
I likely would not have understood the story arc without the poem's title. It wasn't clear in stanza three who had been shot because the final line of that stanza did not make sense to me. I'd switch the syntax around.
The use of the word 'hobo' in the title seems at odds with the intent of the poem - if the idea is to make us feel sad that this man has been shot why use dehumanising slang in the title?
In general I'd say the use of mixed rhyming forms isn't helping the poem. It interrupted the read for me to have perfect rhymes e.g. dead and head, as well as assonance or non-rhymes. The changing rhyming structure (AABB then ABAB) had the same effect.