03-19-2015, 07:00 AM
This is kinda clever, but flawed. First problem I have is that it's super hard to read. There are a lot of sections where phonetically similar words appear right after one another, and that's intentional and yeah, it's fine, but then it's all in one big conga line of pitfalls and abstract ideas and I just keep sliding off the page. It's pretty rapidfire and I'm sure it sounds nice when you read it out loud at an open mic night but read silently I'd be more comfortable if there was some structure here and there that gave it more breathing space.
Second, I stumbled over the abstractions. It's kinda complex and then there are parts where I have trouble computing them because the poem is so quickly paced:
status quo stuffed deeply to the lid
Such mass perspective lost, and as such, was mass perspective gained
From finite to infinity, the seen became the scene
If I really, really slow down and go through it piece by piece I can mostly figure it out but I think this poem would be vastly improved if you either gave it some structure or painted me a clearer picture of the ideas you're trying to illustrate.
Second, I stumbled over the abstractions. It's kinda complex and then there are parts where I have trouble computing them because the poem is so quickly paced:
status quo stuffed deeply to the lid
Such mass perspective lost, and as such, was mass perspective gained
From finite to infinity, the seen became the scene
If I really, really slow down and go through it piece by piece I can mostly figure it out but I think this poem would be vastly improved if you either gave it some structure or painted me a clearer picture of the ideas you're trying to illustrate.