03-17-2015, 05:05 PM
i like light hearted poetry that makes me smile. that aside you have a few problems. last line of the first verse is off meter. you could say [When throned he sits so proud]
while the poem doesn't have a lot of strength i don't think it needs it. a little more thought maybe but as a poem it does it's job, at least for me, it cracked a smile. a bit wordy but again i'm not sure it matters with this type of poem.
while the poem doesn't have a lot of strength i don't think it needs it. a little more thought maybe but as a poem it does it's job, at least for me, it cracked a smile. a bit wordy but again i'm not sure it matters with this type of poem.
(03-17-2015, 02:45 PM)hopefularahant Wrote: I'm No Hercules
Who dares challenge father-god Zeus?
Deity of the cloud?
Within his grasp lies lightning strong,
Throned, he sits so proud. i like this, i picture Zeus on the shitter
And whom would swim to Poseidon?
To try his trident true?
He rides upon great steeds of foam,
With mood he makes storms brew.
Tell who would play to Apollo,
With hopes to best his art?
Patron protector of poets, possibly 1 pee to many for me.i just struggle to read it without spoiling the rhythm]
With bow and deadly dart
I mere mortal, I cannot stand, the two [I's] feels a bit too much, can it be rephrased possibly change the first I to [A] i also want to say mere as one syllable but that could just be me.
To deities as these. deity/deities...can one of them be changed for the sake of repetition?
The pantheon stands much too strong,
And I'm no Hercules i love this last line. it rounds the poem off and takes away any ambiguity about the poem being light hearted.