summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)

[rayheinrich]

summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)


Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.

At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.

Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.

Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.

I really like this poem.

Oh, yeah, critique (it's mostly about unnecessary words):

1st stanza: "silver stars" why not just "stars"
2nd "or" might be "and the" and the "old church" could be "church"
3rd  "poor folk" could just be "poor" , "that had no knees" isn't necessary, "no" isn't necessary
4th "that" isn't necessary, and bright" in last line is not necessary, breaks the rhythm.

Excuse me a bit, I'm not trying to re-write your poem so much as I'm trying to give enough
examples to make my point. Personally, I think too many modifiers dilute the rhythm,
the feeling, the impact. "Too many" is not quantifiable, it's up to the writer.

As far as tense goes: I think you've established when it happened in your title;
the body itself is free to be in the immediate (forceful) present tense.


That said, it's a fine poem as is, quite wonderful.