the meter still needs a lot of work, [if you want to use meter[ i'd say use it] see here]
at present i personally think you have to many verses. start with a bout 5 or 6. after that you could inject extra verses in between the ones you already have.
also try and put the edit above the original like so:
edit:
this area for the edit
it helps see how the poem was edited.
i took a few verse from the poem:
The Captain
Ocean spray upon his face,
White wisps whirl overhead, this sounds awkward. the 3rd w cocks it up i think, a suggestion would be; [and white wisps over head]
Setting course at rapid pace,
Beneath a sapphire spread, this has 3 feet the (see the link) sapphire blue contradicts white wisps.
Navigating open seas,
Led by mermaid figurehead,
Black flag whipping in the breeze,
Seeking destiny ahead, this line has 3 and a 1/2 feet the same as the lines above, while the content is a bit weak the meter reads reasonably well, [well done] this is what you're aiming for to start with.
Voyagers from distant shores,
Salt upon their brows, [only 3 feet]
Buoyant in the great outdoors,
Steady tracks the prow, [this has only 2 and a 1/2]
i'd say pick every third verse and fix them best you can. then work from there. think hard about meter [see the url above] ask if you're not sure about something in poetry discussion] we'll admire you're attitude to knowing the craft all the more, milo or leanne will probably help you most on the meter side. also think hard about cliche. good to see you editing. don't be scared to slash and burn if needed
at present i personally think you have to many verses. start with a bout 5 or 6. after that you could inject extra verses in between the ones you already have.
also try and put the edit above the original like so:
edit:
this area for the edit
Quote:original
jfh;ajf;akjh
djf;jdf;kjh
jf;jdf;k
it helps see how the poem was edited.
i took a few verse from the poem:
The Captain
Ocean spray upon his face,
White wisps whirl overhead, this sounds awkward. the 3rd w cocks it up i think, a suggestion would be; [and white wisps over head]
Setting course at rapid pace,
Beneath a sapphire spread, this has 3 feet the (see the link) sapphire blue contradicts white wisps.
Navigating open seas,
Led by mermaid figurehead,
Black flag whipping in the breeze,
Seeking destiny ahead, this line has 3 and a 1/2 feet the same as the lines above, while the content is a bit weak the meter reads reasonably well, [well done] this is what you're aiming for to start with.
Voyagers from distant shores,
Salt upon their brows, [only 3 feet]
Buoyant in the great outdoors,
Steady tracks the prow, [this has only 2 and a 1/2]
i'd say pick every third verse and fix them best you can. then work from there. think hard about meter [see the url above] ask if you're not sure about something in poetry discussion] we'll admire you're attitude to knowing the craft all the more, milo or leanne will probably help you most on the meter side. also think hard about cliche. good to see you editing. don't be scared to slash and burn if needed