hi Jeremy; first off let me say thank you for some solid feedback elsewhere. it's what the site aims at.
may i say, some of your own feedback would apply to this piece of poetry. (the feedback on friend or foe; which i totally agree with)
in general it lost me after a fairly short while. a poem needs to hold the reader. i felt that some of the metaphor/ simile were cliched and at times the metaphors were mixed.
Drifting with no time to lose,
Countless sea lanes yet to tread,
Off the beaten path they cruise,
the 1st line contradicts the 3rd, the, 2nd line contradicts the 3rd, also tread/path refer more to land than ocean/sea.
verse' like;
Shovel striking hollow solid,
He dropped to hands and knees,
Resolute and ever-stolid,
Entranced voracity,
what is the above saying, whatever it is, it's saying it badly.
what is a hollow solid? what is entranced voracity.
there are a few verses like the above. make them original and make them actually say something that holds the reader's attention for the right reason.
Alone, he reached his destination,
Between two shark-tooth crags,
There he saw, to his elation,
A Jolly Roger flag,
has some merit. with a small amount of work it would work. use this verse to ground all the others, build on it though a suggestion would be to trim down the poem to a manageable size to start with.
may i say, some of your own feedback would apply to this piece of poetry. (the feedback on friend or foe; which i totally agree with)
in general it lost me after a fairly short while. a poem needs to hold the reader. i felt that some of the metaphor/ simile were cliched and at times the metaphors were mixed.
Drifting with no time to lose,
Countless sea lanes yet to tread,
Off the beaten path they cruise,
the 1st line contradicts the 3rd, the, 2nd line contradicts the 3rd, also tread/path refer more to land than ocean/sea.
verse' like;
Shovel striking hollow solid,
He dropped to hands and knees,
Resolute and ever-stolid,
Entranced voracity,
what is the above saying, whatever it is, it's saying it badly.
what is a hollow solid? what is entranced voracity.
there are a few verses like the above. make them original and make them actually say something that holds the reader's attention for the right reason.
Alone, he reached his destination,
Between two shark-tooth crags,
There he saw, to his elation,
A Jolly Roger flag,
has some merit. with a small amount of work it would work. use this verse to ground all the others, build on it though a suggestion would be to trim down the poem to a manageable size to start with.