Osprey

[Magpie]

ambrosial revelation,

Thank you for the feedback. I am just starting out and have a lot to learn. I was not aware of the 10 syllable count in the Haiku.
Is there a line structure that needs to be followed (number of lines and or syllables per line) ?

Based on your information I reworked and came up with this:

Osprey
sailing aloft
captured my heart

Nice avatar,
John

Hi John,

First of all good job on the edit, it is much more compact and I'm able to see the image straight away. The word 'aloft' seems redundant as it is implied anyway but then to remove that would make 'sailing' look odd on its own when referring to something that is flying, although these are only minor issues. Good on you for rewriting it as well, you've got the right attitude and you're in the right place here for developing.

As regards Haiku, it doesn't have to be specifically 10 syllables as such, that is more of a rough guide to help with the overall length. I know that a lot of people are hooked into writing the 5-7-5 structure but that comes from years ago when people who first started translating Haiku into English. In Japanese they use what are called 'on' sometimes know as 'onji' but they are distinct sounds and different from what we call syllables, therefore the trend for 5-7-5 syllable structure tends to lead to a piece that is too long. Some people like to view haiku as 'one breath' poetry and this is probably the best guide as to how long they should be, which is roughly around 10 syllables. But it's probably best to write them more with the 'one breath' in mind than any syllable count. As far as lines go, most of the time they are three lines but there are some that are two lines and some that are one, though again I would say it is probably best to write them more with the idea of 'one breath', a single snapshot and what people refer to as the 'aha' moment.

Here's a link to a pdf called haiku enlightenment which I think explains it excellently
http://www.cambridgescholars.com/download/sample/59001

Once again, well done on the rewrite,

Mark