03-05-2015, 08:06 AM
Hi SameName,
I fully agree with the thoughts of the others. To add something as well - I think we all face some challenge in trying not to obscure our underlying message through verbosity. I like what you are going for with the short punchy lines, however I feel that you should make sure that you truly feel each line is adding something to your story, and something that has not already been added. For example, the lines "There's never enough", "It's always tough", and "Why it's so rough" seem to convey a very similar feel which I think dilutes the feeling you want the reader to have. Additionally the second like "don't you know" seems a bit forced, unless you are trying to express something I am not quite getting.
Overall, really make sure each line is telling its own part of your message. Try to pack more layers into each phrase so as not to repeat later on. I love where you are going with the short, punchy, lovey poem. Good luck!
I fully agree with the thoughts of the others. To add something as well - I think we all face some challenge in trying not to obscure our underlying message through verbosity. I like what you are going for with the short punchy lines, however I feel that you should make sure that you truly feel each line is adding something to your story, and something that has not already been added. For example, the lines "There's never enough", "It's always tough", and "Why it's so rough" seem to convey a very similar feel which I think dilutes the feeling you want the reader to have. Additionally the second like "don't you know" seems a bit forced, unless you are trying to express something I am not quite getting.
Overall, really make sure each line is telling its own part of your message. Try to pack more layers into each phrase so as not to repeat later on. I love where you are going with the short, punchy, lovey poem. Good luck!