03-04-2015, 04:46 AM
(03-04-2015, 03:46 AM)Erthona Wrote: This year I'll grow no greenhouse envy; no green at all,Hi dale,
no ruby fruits, no piercing darts of piping chillies, no eggplants
pendulate and purple breasted. Not even one great, golden star Aside from being overkill and not applying, I would definitely leave "breasted" in. Maybe you could work undulate in there, after all it rhymes. "pendular"adj - "pendulate" verb
will burst, anticipating pollen; no zucchini without my hand. A four line list ends, how sad. Artfully done though.
Winter holds no happy promise, its quaint demise a silent death. How so, quaint?
There will be no wake to follow, no joy-filled pots or feast to come. No wake for winter, a double entendre?
Instead, the lichened lights are shaded. Unfettered feet Nice alliteration, but do you mean the lights are dark? Or do you mean they are shaded by the lichen? Were the feet once fettered, and what purport does mentioning this fulfill?
of creeping things greys out the glass, still cracked by autumn gales. This creates no useable image for me.
Old frost-clear tracks, tell-tales of slugs no longer threatened,
blaze in bands of sun-crisped slime. The summer star will shine benign I will praise you for the rhyme, as I assume you are awaiting it. A single summer star, not summer stars, or the summer triangle? You evidently have knowledge I lack. Or is this a shoddy reference to the sun?
on bare and barren cedar staging, littered with sharp snail-shell shards;
all victims of the killing days when sulphur fumes combined to acid "combined to acid" Is that possible?
and black-tar fluid, watered white, obscured the fragrant panes.
If only there was one more season, one more potter, one more yield;
then I would take my chitted set and cut it into sighted slivers, "chitted?" My three dictionaries and I are unfamiliar with this word.
dip in dust of saffron yellow, dibble but a hand-depth down, Dust not "saffron" imply dust? "dibble" should be footnoted
into the mulch of ages. Then gently lower, cover over,
scoop up ramparts all around; each mound a living grave.
Volcanic life lies waiting, waiting...but not for me. I will be gone. "Volcanic life" does this refer to the minerals in powered pumice? Probably needs footnoting
The shoots might stir me in my sleep, they in their bed, me in mine;
but I will plant my Salad Blues...before the winter leaves.
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This is a slightly better ending, as the last one I read made it seem as though the speaker was dead and buried and that the grave was his bed and why the shoots would stir him. Also him being dead would be the rationale for why none of the above was getting done.
I think I understand that
"sulphur fumes combined to acid and black-tar fluid, watered white"
is some kind of cleaning solution, however the way it is written seems completely bizarre and fails in its task to be descriptive.
I think this is a good idea and works well as a vignette; the failing in the poem is that a number of the phrases do more to confuse than to enlighten. I look forward to a more clarified solution.
Dale
In no order.
I am a Brit. I doubt that 1 in 1000000 of us has not heard of Jeyes Fluid. It has been around for a century and is as ubiquitous in gardening circles as horse shit. It has two characteristics that define it....it has a "fragrant" phenolic smell and it is black until mixed with water, whereupon it turns white. Diluted like this, it is a very useful disinfectant.
Sulphur bombs burn sulphur in a can in a sealed greenhouse with a pale almost invisible flame. The vapour contains sulphur dioxide (SO2) which combines with the water, H20, in living cells, grabs an O from the air and forms H2SO4, sulphuric acid...which kills everything...still glad you asked?
I like purple breasts swinging like pendulums...does that make me a bad person?
Ah, now "quaint". That is a tough one. A quaint demise...attractively unexpected, unusual,...but perhaps a little cute. I can argue its use but admit it is dogmatic. I haven't the commitment, either.
Lights...we have had this before, you and I. "Lights" in Blighty are upper windows...usually openable. Americans only know "side-lights" as car ventilators....or is it lites?
Unfettered as in "free to roam". Leave a greenhouse over winter and all kind of creepy-crawlies wander about leaving specks, spots, blots an blemishes on your glass. Spiders are the worst. Get a life...get a greenhouse.
To chit. You have not tried. Google "chitting". Expand your knowledge base...you are never too old
Before you ask, a "set"is a seed potato. You must chit your sets before planting...doh.Summer star is shoddy sun reference to avoid sun sun. Best I could do.
No...why should saffron imply dust? You are turmeric not stamen.
Creates no usable image. Agreed. I was trying to infer the obvious and obfuscated instead. Normal winter maintenance would involve replacing broken panes...now, in context, why bother? That is all.
You must know what dibbling means....it is what you use a dibbler for...do I really need to spell it out?
Volcanic life? Cone shaped mounds waiting for life to erupt...I don't do obscure, except deliberately.
An interesting point...neither of my dictionaries found "pendulate". Google did.
I appreciate you comments...it is a british thing. That is no more excuse than being american.
Very best,
tectak