03-03-2015, 10:40 PM
Deadrise,
Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay, "Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,"
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.
Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast Is this the flag? If it is it is, it is easily confused with the "her" two lines down.
as two rows of three escort him past. Seems to be missing a foot
Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.
Red white and blue is now folded by six Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.
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I do not think it is undeserved criticism to point out, especially in light of the flag later on, that the reader would initially think the red, white and blue referred to the flag, despite the reference to the bluejay, cardinal and crow. It is also unfortunate that the bird metaphor is abruptly dropped instead of being extended throughout the poem, as it could easily be.
I question the order in: "Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack". As it is easy to conclude that the "breath" is coming through her shoulders. Plus this seems solely done in order that the two lines come out correctly, so it is similar in mechanism to a forced rhyme.
Then once again, the red, white and blue is identified with the flag which might cause the reader to reevaluate what that meant initially and cause confusion in the initial two lines, thus putting the casting the poem in a light that it was not meant to be in.
I think the idea is a solid one, archetypal even, as it has been dealt with often (although not so often as to become trite or cliche) in poetry as well as prose, not to mention in the theatre. One of the older motifs is the fisherman's wife waiting for him to return and he never does, yet she continues to go down to the sea every day. This usage is more modern (Taps, introduced circa 1862) as it incorporates "Taps" into it's framework. I doubt there is any other music that so captures the poignancy and loneliness as does Taps.
Look forward to future revisions,
Dale
Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay, "Red white and blue the cardinal and the jay,"
crows dressed in black are more fitting today.
Under ghost grey she hangs limp at half mast Is this the flag? If it is it is, it is easily confused with the "her" two lines down.
as two rows of three escort him past. Seems to be missing a foot
Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack,
those twenty four notes will not bring him back.
Red white and blue is now folded by six Red white and blue is now folded by six
a gift for a loss that nothing can fix.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I do not think it is undeserved criticism to point out, especially in light of the flag later on, that the reader would initially think the red, white and blue referred to the flag, despite the reference to the bluejay, cardinal and crow. It is also unfortunate that the bird metaphor is abruptly dropped instead of being extended throughout the poem, as it could easily be.
I question the order in: "Breath through the bugle her shoulders fall slack". As it is easy to conclude that the "breath" is coming through her shoulders. Plus this seems solely done in order that the two lines come out correctly, so it is similar in mechanism to a forced rhyme.
Then once again, the red, white and blue is identified with the flag which might cause the reader to reevaluate what that meant initially and cause confusion in the initial two lines, thus putting the casting the poem in a light that it was not meant to be in.
I think the idea is a solid one, archetypal even, as it has been dealt with often (although not so often as to become trite or cliche) in poetry as well as prose, not to mention in the theatre. One of the older motifs is the fisherman's wife waiting for him to return and he never does, yet she continues to go down to the sea every day. This usage is more modern (Taps, introduced circa 1862) as it incorporates "Taps" into it's framework. I doubt there is any other music that so captures the poignancy and loneliness as does Taps.
Look forward to future revisions,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.