Hello there 
. These shadow people haunt me, knowing that but for ten years difference in diagnosis/ treatment trends and a more affluent upbringing this would be me. I think your poem has all the components you need to communicate this to the reader, but it's lacking in impact due to the structure. Were it my poem, I would separate it into only two parts: the first beginning with "the doctor gave to me" and the second "the doctor took from me", as you have done, but without the repetition. This would require some rewriting of the other lines to make sense, of course. Also, I don't believe that this stanza is required at all:
as it seems clumsy and is already implied by the rest of the poem.
You might also consider ending the last line half way through, i.e. "to skid a hot pink crayon across the colouring book". I don't think the rest is needed.
Lovely concept -- good luck with it!
. These shadow people haunt me, knowing that but for ten years difference in diagnosis/ treatment trends and a more affluent upbringing this would be me. I think your poem has all the components you need to communicate this to the reader, but it's lacking in impact due to the structure. Were it my poem, I would separate it into only two parts: the first beginning with "the doctor gave to me" and the second "the doctor took from me", as you have done, but without the repetition. This would require some rewriting of the other lines to make sense, of course. Also, I don't believe that this stanza is required at all:Quote:The doctor gave to me
Assurance that the pills would stay
My life would end if the pills went away.
as it seems clumsy and is already implied by the rest of the poem.
You might also consider ending the last line half way through, i.e. "to skid a hot pink crayon across the colouring book". I don't think the rest is needed.
Lovely concept -- good luck with it!
It could be worse