i read your reply as to what the poem was about and it's obvious it's about taking it up the shitter. don't spoil the moment by telling us with an asterisk. instead show us an image of your swinging balls as he ruptures your sphincter. (excuse my crudeness)
in general the poem feels weak. the first one and zero line worked well enough and that's where the 1 and 0 should have ended. work off it by all means but use different language, binary could be used in some subtle or not so subtle way.
in general the poem feels weak. the first one and zero line worked well enough and that's where the 1 and 0 should have ended. work off it by all means but use different language, binary could be used in some subtle or not so subtle way.
(02-20-2015, 05:55 AM)fromcancertocapricorn Wrote: He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top. i've no idea what this means
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time. for me braced would get rid of an ing word and be tighter. but the best line so far. it's reasonable image of anticipation. not keen on the 2nd lean within 3 lines
My eyes were caked-over can this line be better phrased, it feels very wordy.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*, again it feels a bit wordy [as i clicked the masquerade icon on the iphone] whose iphone would it be but yours?
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. both lines feel weak in the telling
The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist. i like the tightness of this stanza, it's to the point and gives the reader something to imagine.
I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . . the ones and zero line was enough though i think moder computers work on a different base that 1 and 0 now. apart from the one's and zero line this stanza also feels weak
He loomed over me. as well as leaning he loomed?
I felt a metal rod puncture me. now i'm confused. is it a robot or cyber? or are you using something to enhance the session into your own reality?
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain. no need really for simultaneous as it weakens the moment, a suggestion would be [on entry]
I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch. was there someone else there?
He continued, with his one in my zero, to obvious. a suggestion would be something along the lines of his one in my puckered zero, make it classy
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.
*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.