02-22-2015, 05:48 AM
"Thin coffee" You have been pegged! 
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Two lines of iambic tetrameter melded together to form rhyming couplets in Iambic octameter. As I have suggested numerous times, this would read better and be easier on the reader if broken into iambic tetrameter with xaxa rhyme scheme. Example, one quatrain:
With ageing sinews strained by days,
hard stretched and sprained beyond repair,
out from the scream of Munch's night,
comes forth the unexpected prayer.
Or as variable stanzas:
That god might slip into the gap
between a life of constant pain
and moments only salved by sleep
and even that, a dreamer's bane),
is not enough to pour belief
into the analgesic pot.
Each twinge that twists is small distress.
What hurts us more than faith is not
the forlorn hope that by our prayers,
the agonised will be relieved
but that at best, by grimaced grace,
we by forgiveness are reprieved.
Of course you will disregard me as you usually do. I feel for your poor readers that have to deal with a stubborn writer who unjustifiably clings to an absurd line length. I guess stiff upper lip and all that rot. What, what? Or should it be "like, like"?
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"Some claim a deity above who will, once called, make sick souls well"
Although technically correct (I suppose) I stumbled across this when I read it the first time. Probably a point of different emphasis, of course in such toss-ups I win!
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"Munch's night." Edvard Munch's "Starry Night" and of course the ubiquitous "scream". It is a nice allusion, but I am uncertain it does much for the poem as it seems to confuse rather than assist, for even though I am familiar with both paintings I fail to see their inclusion as anything more than gratuitous, if not ad hoc. I think if one took out this allusion it would not degrade the poem in the slightest.
"With ageing sinews strained by days, hard stretched and sprained beyond repair,
(from such a soul who feels betrayed) comes forth the unexpected prayer."
Of course it is such a nice allusion I am sure you will leave it in, I'm fairly certain I would. Still, there is a valid reason not to.
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"and even that, a dreamer's bane"
The meaning of this is somewhat vague and the meaning of which comes only from contemplation. I understand it is a bit of a double entendre, but the idea of an actual dreamer, in the sense of one who is aware in their dreams, or keeps a dream journal for enlightenment would be foiled by a narcotic analgesic, which would suppress dreaming as it would disrupt REM sleep similar to alcohol. During the daytime hours it would blunt creativity and thus dull a day dreamers day dreaming ability, which of course day dreaming could be seen as a method of escaping the pains of life. Still it seems a somewhat convoluted way of expressing this idea and relies on much conjecture by the reader. I certainly find it disruptive to the reading of the poem. Yet, as with the last item, you and I both would probably be guilty of falling in love with it and have difficult even contemplating its demise. Still, it should be noted. Depending on how one views this, it could also be taken as a bit of a forced rhyme.
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"Each twinge that twists is small distress." How exactly does a "twinge" "twist," outside of Dr, Seuss that is? Seems a bit peculiar.
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Can you say convoluted?
"What hurts us more than faith is not the forlorn hope that by our prayers,(no comma) the agonised will be relieved (comma)but that at best, (no comma) by grimaced grace, (most likely no comma) we by forgiveness are reprieved."
This is an interesting sentence, reminds me of Kant. That is by the time you get to the end of it, you've forgotten what the first of it was about.
"grimaced grace" nice alliteration, now only if I knew what the hell it meant!
"by grimaced grace, we by forgiveness are reprieved." by - by - bye Seems like faith to me.
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Wow, "coprolalic" a triple word score. That's just the shits, ain't it? I'm so impressed that I am not even going to mention the "withered claw", but just one? Is it maybe the dew claw? You know the little side claw on dogs that just sort of hangs there, waiting to get caught in something and ripped off. Nor will I mention the scoliosis, or the hump...what hump? I suppose it is enough to know that we are forgiven for these deformities for whatever reason you are mentioning them.
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"Some claim a deity above who" A bit awkward that. Along with "distrust though those" "Though-those" is that a new dance craze?
Hey chicky, have you done the though-those?
No, but I will, as soon as I, get some new hose.
distrust though those, the pious few --> distrust all those the pious few (maybe, must be a better solution)
"into a myth that all can see" --> so all can see
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I think it is a fairly well run road this idea that people create the daddy in the sky to plead with when they don't have something they want and to yell at when things do not go as they please and that there are myriad variation on this theme. Such variation can start wars and become acts of genocide. I wonder has there ever been a time in the history of mankind when there was not a religious war of some type going on. It was probably not until the 19th century that we began to see secular wars without the justification of religion in some way.
However the question at the end of the day is does your thesis, presented in your own inimitable way, add anything to the conversation? Or is this just a long and burdensome preamble to a punch line? If I could understand most of what you are saying and the reason why you are saying it, I might be able to answer that question, but as I do not, I can not.
Hopefully you can derive at least one beneficial comment out of this sputum, although I have my doubts.
dale
PS Sorry, I just now realized that this was in serious, if I had realized that I would have gone more in-depth. Sorry don't have the time to add more.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Two lines of iambic tetrameter melded together to form rhyming couplets in Iambic octameter. As I have suggested numerous times, this would read better and be easier on the reader if broken into iambic tetrameter with xaxa rhyme scheme. Example, one quatrain:
With ageing sinews strained by days,
hard stretched and sprained beyond repair,
out from the scream of Munch's night,
comes forth the unexpected prayer.
Or as variable stanzas:
That god might slip into the gap
between a life of constant pain
and moments only salved by sleep
and even that, a dreamer's bane),
is not enough to pour belief
into the analgesic pot.
Each twinge that twists is small distress.
What hurts us more than faith is not
the forlorn hope that by our prayers,
the agonised will be relieved
but that at best, by grimaced grace,
we by forgiveness are reprieved.
Of course you will disregard me as you usually do. I feel for your poor readers that have to deal with a stubborn writer who unjustifiably clings to an absurd line length. I guess stiff upper lip and all that rot. What, what? Or should it be "like, like"?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Some claim a deity above who will, once called, make sick souls well"
Although technically correct (I suppose) I stumbled across this when I read it the first time. Probably a point of different emphasis, of course in such toss-ups I win!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Munch's night." Edvard Munch's "Starry Night" and of course the ubiquitous "scream". It is a nice allusion, but I am uncertain it does much for the poem as it seems to confuse rather than assist, for even though I am familiar with both paintings I fail to see their inclusion as anything more than gratuitous, if not ad hoc. I think if one took out this allusion it would not degrade the poem in the slightest.
"With ageing sinews strained by days, hard stretched and sprained beyond repair,
(from such a soul who feels betrayed) comes forth the unexpected prayer."
Of course it is such a nice allusion I am sure you will leave it in, I'm fairly certain I would. Still, there is a valid reason not to.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"and even that, a dreamer's bane"
The meaning of this is somewhat vague and the meaning of which comes only from contemplation. I understand it is a bit of a double entendre, but the idea of an actual dreamer, in the sense of one who is aware in their dreams, or keeps a dream journal for enlightenment would be foiled by a narcotic analgesic, which would suppress dreaming as it would disrupt REM sleep similar to alcohol. During the daytime hours it would blunt creativity and thus dull a day dreamers day dreaming ability, which of course day dreaming could be seen as a method of escaping the pains of life. Still it seems a somewhat convoluted way of expressing this idea and relies on much conjecture by the reader. I certainly find it disruptive to the reading of the poem. Yet, as with the last item, you and I both would probably be guilty of falling in love with it and have difficult even contemplating its demise. Still, it should be noted. Depending on how one views this, it could also be taken as a bit of a forced rhyme.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Each twinge that twists is small distress." How exactly does a "twinge" "twist," outside of Dr, Seuss that is? Seems a bit peculiar.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Can you say convoluted?
"What hurts us more than faith is not the forlorn hope that by our prayers,(no comma) the agonised will be relieved (comma)but that at best, (no comma) by grimaced grace, (most likely no comma) we by forgiveness are reprieved."
This is an interesting sentence, reminds me of Kant. That is by the time you get to the end of it, you've forgotten what the first of it was about.
"grimaced grace" nice alliteration, now only if I knew what the hell it meant!
"by grimaced grace, we by forgiveness are reprieved." by - by - bye Seems like faith to me.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wow, "coprolalic" a triple word score. That's just the shits, ain't it? I'm so impressed that I am not even going to mention the "withered claw", but just one? Is it maybe the dew claw? You know the little side claw on dogs that just sort of hangs there, waiting to get caught in something and ripped off. Nor will I mention the scoliosis, or the hump...what hump? I suppose it is enough to know that we are forgiven for these deformities for whatever reason you are mentioning them.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Some claim a deity above who" A bit awkward that. Along with "distrust though those" "Though-those" is that a new dance craze?
Hey chicky, have you done the though-those?
No, but I will, as soon as I, get some new hose.
distrust though those, the pious few --> distrust all those the pious few (maybe, must be a better solution)
"into a myth that all can see" --> so all can see
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I think it is a fairly well run road this idea that people create the daddy in the sky to plead with when they don't have something they want and to yell at when things do not go as they please and that there are myriad variation on this theme. Such variation can start wars and become acts of genocide. I wonder has there ever been a time in the history of mankind when there was not a religious war of some type going on. It was probably not until the 19th century that we began to see secular wars without the justification of religion in some way.
However the question at the end of the day is does your thesis, presented in your own inimitable way, add anything to the conversation? Or is this just a long and burdensome preamble to a punch line? If I could understand most of what you are saying and the reason why you are saying it, I might be able to answer that question, but as I do not, I can not.
Hopefully you can derive at least one beneficial comment out of this sputum, although I have my doubts.
dale
PS Sorry, I just now realized that this was in serious, if I had realized that I would have gone more in-depth. Sorry don't have the time to add more.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.