Ones and Zeros (Warning: Sexual Subject Matter)

[ellajam]

Hi. I thought this was pretty clear but written without the excitement that I would think the experience would bring, the plain telling of a story, I think you can do better with it. Here are some notes.

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time.
Top showed this as man/man immediately but not having had a male homosexual encounter myself I am having difficulty imaging how he showed his face.

My eyes were caked-over meh, I don't know why.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*,This is before the first three lines, why present tense?
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up. While I don't know the icon, profile pic said it.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. Love these two lines.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold. Maybe his eyes were cold? Or his skin bloodless? It's hard to apply this to a pic.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces, Now switch to correct tense, why try to confuse me?
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . .
This worked for me as I don't know binary, it shows anonymity and allows for the blatant one/zero line below.

He loomed over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.
Meh on these three lines, I feel nothing, do more than tell me.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch.
I think you can lose forced by using "then lowered". I like this, the maintaining of appearences even during the act.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.
Antennas receive, they don't emit.

*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.