Ones and Zeros (Warning: Sexual Subject Matter)

[tectak]

Hello,
I always read posted work through several times before offering crit. I am surprised by how often I find myself wondering why the writer doesn't do the same before posting. Zeal, I suppose. In this piece I am pleasantly surprised to find some sound punctuation and some interesting phrasing. Accordingly, please forgive me for nit picking...there is not a great deal amiss. Having said that, I am disappointed by the lack of blatant sexuality....though the metaphor lasts the course. Here goes.
He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face: As an opener it is a gambit. Staccato-speak permits for errors which would be more apparent if written in "ordinary" sentences. Nonetheless....
mixed, 20, top. mixed? Not sure what you mean. Write twenty. Age, of course, casually observed...I think "tops" is the cliche/expression....but what consequence?
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous. I am sure that the repeat of "lean" is a deliberate device and it just works...but having used "leverage" in L1 we could expect the device to be complete...so it is "braced" not "bracing." That is a whole new meaning.

My eyes were caked-over Overkill with "caked over", made worse by the simultaneity inherent in the "as" word. Were your eyes only " caked over" during the pulling out of the iphone? No. So period after "caked over", then omit the "as". Try it.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon,
latent, behind a folder. I have little idea what this is referencing, nor do I feel the need to know, so I am a little worried that it may be superfluous...in what sense are you using "latent"?
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. Again, very matter of fact and of some interest. I am  getting to know the character by osmosis....though Chastity may have been a better name.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . . or was it patternless but 11010110001? Why  does it matter? This is just filler.

He leaned over me. Now you have too much leaning...you are both on a cant...and I know what I mean.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain. I feel an inevitability in the scenario which is a let down. You could, and should, make more of this. Where is the indignity? Where the satisfaction? You are making observations as the writer...not the character...and it shows.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch. No to "...let out a forced..." Nonsensical. Involuntary trumpets are never forced...they slip out nastily. " ...a socially acceptable pitch." if you want the correct cliche...though you have been relatively cliche-free you trump with this one in terms of mixed meaning. Do you mean lowered as in volume, in which case pitch(frequency) is wrong, or lowered in frequency in which case I am unaware of the social stigma which you try to negate? Help.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm. Metaphorically apt, clever but inconclusive for a final curtain. Try not to get too (two) fond of metal...especially as it is inconceivable that an antenna would be made of anything else.

Needs much more animosity. The thing is just too passively observed. There is an act of minor sexual deviancy here which needs to be poetically ( after all, this is a poetry site) exposed. It did not turn me on or off...but that's not to say anything about the poem...more about the reader. Hmmm. Actually, that is important...isn't it?
Best,
tectak