02-20-2015, 03:53 AM
If your goal was 12 lines of IP more or less you succeeded. There are errors like has been pointed out like "into", however with my initial read it was not disruptive. If it isn't disruptive, let it stay. This line was problematic:
"one more primeval contest to unfold"
As neither "one" nor "more" are accented syllables it makes the line start weak.
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There does appear to be some tense disagreement:
"In time his patient stalking brings reward,
His prey by movement gave itself away."
brings/ gave no --> brings/gives yes
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Overall I think the biggest problem is that the lines seem to be a struggle. There is no smoothness, the words seem to be fighting themselves.
Notice the following line:
"Prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode,"
If one were talking normally, such a line would never be uttered. It would read either,
Now prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode, Of course this puts the action after the point where it was supposed to be already accomplished and so should read:
Preparing to strike his neck contorts in reflex mode.
Of course what I think was meant was:
Prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode and strikes at the prey.
This is a difficult thing for people to realize when starting to write in IP as they become so focused on the metrical pattern, they forget that they need to write in sentences that make sense by following the normal rules that apply to sentences. One does not escape the rules of grammar, and syntax simply because he is writing in IP.
The title made me think of some female related to Herod as his second wife's name was "Herodias." After that brief moment of confusion. I quickly revised what I thought the title meant, but by then the damage was done. A title should not be something that causes confusion, it generally should be free of ambiguity. There are of course exception such as when the title is a double entendre. The general idea is that the title will not be a stumbling block for the reader. It is often easy for the writer to assume that the reader has the knowledge he has, especially when it comes to nomenclature that he knows well, or uses often as does all the people with whom he associates. It becomes easy to generalize that to the rest of the world. This is what happens when a person is part of a sub-culture, as are most people. The writer must be aware of this and compensate accordingly. In another vein, if a person knows the word heron, or here, "Great Blue Heron," but does not know the Latin classification name, he should not then go look up to use as a title in order to give his poem (in his mind) more gravitas (I'm not saying this is you, mainly I am including it for others who might read this). Or as my great aunt use to say, "People shouldn't go gettin' all highfalutin just to impress other people; it just makes them look like damn fools."
Look forward to your future post.
Dale
"one more primeval contest to unfold"
As neither "one" nor "more" are accented syllables it makes the line start weak.
___________________________________________________________________________________
There does appear to be some tense disagreement:
"In time his patient stalking brings reward,
His prey by movement gave itself away."
brings/ gave no --> brings/gives yes
_______________________________________________________________________________
Overall I think the biggest problem is that the lines seem to be a struggle. There is no smoothness, the words seem to be fighting themselves.
Notice the following line:
"Prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode,"
If one were talking normally, such a line would never be uttered. It would read either,
Now prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode, Of course this puts the action after the point where it was supposed to be already accomplished and so should read:
Preparing to strike his neck contorts in reflex mode.
Of course what I think was meant was:
Prepared, his neck contorts in reflex mode and strikes at the prey.
This is a difficult thing for people to realize when starting to write in IP as they become so focused on the metrical pattern, they forget that they need to write in sentences that make sense by following the normal rules that apply to sentences. One does not escape the rules of grammar, and syntax simply because he is writing in IP.
The title made me think of some female related to Herod as his second wife's name was "Herodias." After that brief moment of confusion. I quickly revised what I thought the title meant, but by then the damage was done. A title should not be something that causes confusion, it generally should be free of ambiguity. There are of course exception such as when the title is a double entendre. The general idea is that the title will not be a stumbling block for the reader. It is often easy for the writer to assume that the reader has the knowledge he has, especially when it comes to nomenclature that he knows well, or uses often as does all the people with whom he associates. It becomes easy to generalize that to the rest of the world. This is what happens when a person is part of a sub-culture, as are most people. The writer must be aware of this and compensate accordingly. In another vein, if a person knows the word heron, or here, "Great Blue Heron," but does not know the Latin classification name, he should not then go look up to use as a title in order to give his poem (in his mind) more gravitas (I'm not saying this is you, mainly I am including it for others who might read this). Or as my great aunt use to say, "People shouldn't go gettin' all highfalutin just to impress other people; it just makes them look like damn fools."
Look forward to your future post.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.