02-19-2015, 06:39 AM
[quote='Bunx' pid='184883' dateline='1423858790']
monotone mandatory
Edit 1
Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.
I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that unwind. (I feel like this line throws the flow off)
I'm weary of good opportunities.
Excitement leads to tragedy,
then my world will stop.
Often, I try to remember the kid I use to be.
A young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.
That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home. (is it to Leave my Home?)
Then life changed.
My reality had become unique.
Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.
Now my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch.
Like a man who has earned but not reaped.
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.
Sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,
because I always got to be prepared. (I always Got?)
To lose all the moments we have fared.
Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.
So that you will not disappear
like another lost friend.
NOVICE CRITIQUE HERE!!!
I loved the tone of this piece. I found that when reading a few lines caused me to stop before I could pick up the flow again. I put some of what I meant into parenthesis.
monotone mandatory
Edit 1
Sorry,
my thrill has escaped me.
I've been here before,
with other people at a different time.
Actively skeptical of things that unwind. (I feel like this line throws the flow off)
I'm weary of good opportunities.
Excitement leads to tragedy,
then my world will stop.
Often, I try to remember the kid I use to be.
A young man with passion and direction.
No limits to his potentials end.
That seemed like lives ago.
Before I felt the need leave my home. (is it to Leave my Home?)
Then life changed.
My reality had become unique.
Everything I thought was happening
could be critiqued.
Now my mood is stable,
I speak in a monotone pitch.
Like a man who has earned but not reaped.
Constantly retrying to earn his keep.
Sorry that your enthusiasm is not shared,
because I always got to be prepared. (I always Got?)
To lose all the moments we have fared.
Until then, I trust you'll understand
that I must do what I can.
So that you will not disappear
like another lost friend.
NOVICE CRITIQUE HERE!!!
I loved the tone of this piece. I found that when reading a few lines caused me to stop before I could pick up the flow again. I put some of what I meant into parenthesis.