02-17-2015, 11:32 AM
"just enough drink to make them sticky" - LOVE this line. It is such a small detail but your word choices make it sound like so much more than just "she's sticky."
"The metal grinds against her already bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap" - I feel like a this point you can just begin with "immobilized beside the trash heap..."
"A german shepherd, with color and tastes and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with color and taste and air: dying" - I like the idea, but I wish you would go into more detail about the colors and tastes. For example, maybe something along the lines of "a german shepherd, with cerulean bitterness and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with the sepia brackishness of the air: dying." "Color" and "tastes" are just very vague words and you have a real talent when it comes to imagery.
Overall, I think this is a really cool piece. Like I said, the imagery and detail in this poem is amazing. The only real problematic point for me was the "color and tastes" bit. I think your readers will connect more when you describe what she's going through with actual colors and words that describe taste rather than just telling them that she's filled with color.
You have a lot of really cool ideas. Keep up the good work!
- mongolfiere
"The metal grinds against her already bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap" - I feel like a this point you can just begin with "immobilized beside the trash heap..."
"A german shepherd, with color and tastes and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with color and taste and air: dying" - I like the idea, but I wish you would go into more detail about the colors and tastes. For example, maybe something along the lines of "a german shepherd, with cerulean bitterness and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with the sepia brackishness of the air: dying." "Color" and "tastes" are just very vague words and you have a real talent when it comes to imagery.
Overall, I think this is a really cool piece. Like I said, the imagery and detail in this poem is amazing. The only real problematic point for me was the "color and tastes" bit. I think your readers will connect more when you describe what she's going through with actual colors and words that describe taste rather than just telling them that she's filled with color.
You have a lot of really cool ideas. Keep up the good work!
- mongolfiere