02-15-2015, 05:09 PM
Grammar, use it.
As this seems to be primarily prose since the writer uses no poetical devices, the short line length is unacceptable if for no other reason as it puts a strain on the reader to read it.
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I'll touch on a few problems:
Perks? She has a house in Vermont? she has perky tits? No way to know. Poor writing.
Satin in your glass, won with our hearts. I have no idea.
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Here in line:
Afraid to tell her the truth about us, we were the ones, who fought so hard, Satin in your glass, won with our hearts.
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Just because something is lined out to resemble poetry, it does not relieve the writer of grammar. Poetry is written under the same rules as anything else unless their is a compelling reason to not do so.
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I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one. Three dependent clauses comma'd together does not make a sentence.
"I’m not the one, left in the first place." Did she wish to be left in the second place?
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A man still lusts for the other woman, but the speaker wants to keep him because he has become a good man? (that makes sense in the world of forty, fifty years ago. This big baseball player cheated on his wife and she bit him, hard, blood drawing type bit)
"I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one...I wont take a chance, her messing up this man, You have became..." (become?)
Cliche: sounds like a bad Country & Western song. I'm pretty sure Reba McIntyre has put out at least a couple in that motif.
"Jolene" by Dolly Parton written about 40 years ago, basically covers the same ground.
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I suggest, for now and in the future, writing all sentences out and seeing if they are sentences, make sense and are grammatical. Writing readable sentences is as fundamental as correct spelling. Writing poetry does not free one of that obligation.
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Dale
As this seems to be primarily prose since the writer uses no poetical devices, the short line length is unacceptable if for no other reason as it puts a strain on the reader to read it.
__________________________________________________________________
I'll touch on a few problems:
Perks? She has a house in Vermont? she has perky tits? No way to know. Poor writing.
Satin in your glass, won with our hearts. I have no idea.
__________________________________________________________________
Here in line:
Afraid to tell her the truth about us, we were the ones, who fought so hard, Satin in your glass, won with our hearts.
__________________________________________________________________
Just because something is lined out to resemble poetry, it does not relieve the writer of grammar. Poetry is written under the same rules as anything else unless their is a compelling reason to not do so.
__________________________________________________________________
I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one. Three dependent clauses comma'd together does not make a sentence.
"I’m not the one, left in the first place." Did she wish to be left in the second place?
__________________________________________________________________
A man still lusts for the other woman, but the speaker wants to keep him because he has become a good man? (that makes sense in the world of forty, fifty years ago. This big baseball player cheated on his wife and she bit him, hard, blood drawing type bit)
"I'm not the one you lust, never be the way with us She is the one...I wont take a chance, her messing up this man, You have became..." (become?)
Cliche: sounds like a bad Country & Western song. I'm pretty sure Reba McIntyre has put out at least a couple in that motif.
"Jolene" by Dolly Parton written about 40 years ago, basically covers the same ground.
__________________________________________________________________
I suggest, for now and in the future, writing all sentences out and seeing if they are sentences, make sense and are grammatical. Writing readable sentences is as fundamental as correct spelling. Writing poetry does not free one of that obligation.
__________________________________________________________________
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.