02-14-2015, 04:21 AM
welcome! this reads to me more like a diary entry than a poem. i get what you're trying to do here with the whole sorta stream of consciousness thing, but it just doesn't work for me. there are intriguing elements here worth exploring (e.g. "She didn't care for Georgia") that i think would make for a better story, but this as it is is a strung-together series of fragments and cliches that really need unraveling and refined. strip it down to what you think is the most important element and then go from there, but avoid cliche and forced rhyme, it really does drag a poem down. i would like to see you grab one or two images here and build on that rather than shoot down the page like a battering ram of common phrasings that are more "been there, done that" than "oh wow, that's fresh and new!" hope that's helpful!