02-13-2015, 01:26 PM
Somehow, I feel like this poem was written for me (heheh). Anyways, on to my thoughts for this poem of yours.
There's something interstellar about you <-- not a bad opening, it intrigues me.
It's in the way you move <-- okay, this creates a bit of imagery, but I don't find it striking. As your reader, I would like to know a bit of how this movement is interstellar.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge <-- If I may suggest a change, I feel this line would be better if it was an exposition rather than a statement; it would be much more dynamic if you made it present tense here. For example, rather than what you wrote try something like: "it's in the way you move / looking outward to the edge of the galaxy"
When someone else might disapprove <-- I can catch a little bit of what you are trying to convey, but it breaks the tone of what you already set up which makes it feel like that rhyme with move is forced.
There's starlight caught in your teeth <-- Now this line makes me wonder! Just what are you trying to say here? This line is the jewel of your poem here, vivid imagery and it carries your metaphor.
From when you tumbled through the stuff <-- This line carries on the previous, but the word "stuff" detracts from it. If there is any word that brings this poem back to the ground it is the word "stuff".
We're just two planets caught in a dance <-- Okay, this is nice.
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough <-- Ah, the painful truth of the cosmos & gravity. I like how someone said it, "I feel like complaining to Einstein right now. General relativity is so romantic, and so sad."
Overall, I like this poem. I think there is a lot more you can draw out from this concept and I would love to read it again if you decided to hash it out anew.
Cheers, S.M.
There's something interstellar about you <-- not a bad opening, it intrigues me.
It's in the way you move <-- okay, this creates a bit of imagery, but I don't find it striking. As your reader, I would like to know a bit of how this movement is interstellar.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge <-- If I may suggest a change, I feel this line would be better if it was an exposition rather than a statement; it would be much more dynamic if you made it present tense here. For example, rather than what you wrote try something like: "it's in the way you move / looking outward to the edge of the galaxy"
When someone else might disapprove <-- I can catch a little bit of what you are trying to convey, but it breaks the tone of what you already set up which makes it feel like that rhyme with move is forced.
There's starlight caught in your teeth <-- Now this line makes me wonder! Just what are you trying to say here? This line is the jewel of your poem here, vivid imagery and it carries your metaphor.
From when you tumbled through the stuff <-- This line carries on the previous, but the word "stuff" detracts from it. If there is any word that brings this poem back to the ground it is the word "stuff".
We're just two planets caught in a dance <-- Okay, this is nice.
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough <-- Ah, the painful truth of the cosmos & gravity. I like how someone said it, "I feel like complaining to Einstein right now. General relativity is so romantic, and so sad."
Overall, I like this poem. I think there is a lot more you can draw out from this concept and I would love to read it again if you decided to hash it out anew.
Cheers, S.M.