02-13-2015, 06:36 AM
Hi Samantha, I like the idea behind this but there is a few lines/rhymes that bother me a bit.
There's something interstellar about you It's in the way you move from this world.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge
When someone else might disapprove
There's starlight caught in your teeth < This seems a bit like a forced rhyme to me.
From when you tumbled through the stuff
We're just two planets caught in a dance < these two lines, leave me a bit confused. You say they are
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough in a dance (would they not be touching if they were?)
There's something interstellar about you It's in the way you move from this world.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge
When someone else might disapprove
There's starlight caught in your teeth < This seems a bit like a forced rhyme to me.
From when you tumbled through the stuff
We're just two planets caught in a dance < these two lines, leave me a bit confused. You say they are
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough in a dance (would they not be touching if they were?)