02-12-2015, 12:45 PM
I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.
(i am going to make some minor edits you can ignore them if you want please i do not wish to intrude on your poetry i just want to show what a little brevity can do to htis.)
I stole roses from my neighbor's garden
but you threw them away.
now im broken hearted;
and we havn't spoken for days.
This is your same poem same words same bulk just a few minor adjustments. You might not like it as much as yours or you might like it. Its really up to you. This feels like a brevity piece that is missing brevity! In brevity you want to minimize the amount of words you use when capturing your poem. So filler words or extraneous things should be gone and void. It is ok to use simple english and vauge concepts. I like your poem as is honestly i just think some minor brevity reworking (taking words out and replacing them with similair fewer amount of words with same meaning) can really take this to another place.
I hope my crit is helpful, and i apologize for rewriting your poem, i just wanted to give you an example.
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.
(i am going to make some minor edits you can ignore them if you want please i do not wish to intrude on your poetry i just want to show what a little brevity can do to htis.)
I stole roses from my neighbor's garden
but you threw them away.
now im broken hearted;
and we havn't spoken for days.
This is your same poem same words same bulk just a few minor adjustments. You might not like it as much as yours or you might like it. Its really up to you. This feels like a brevity piece that is missing brevity! In brevity you want to minimize the amount of words you use when capturing your poem. So filler words or extraneous things should be gone and void. It is ok to use simple english and vauge concepts. I like your poem as is honestly i just think some minor brevity reworking (taking words out and replacing them with similair fewer amount of words with same meaning) can really take this to another place.
I hope my crit is helpful, and i apologize for rewriting your poem, i just wanted to give you an example.