02-11-2015, 08:22 PM
I like the story, it holds a good bit of information for me to digest and really grabs me the refrain is pretty good too. But aside from that there really isn't much for me to sink my teeth into. Personally if i were a serious reader and saw the title Daddy i would skip and not even bat an eye. Its just so bland and un-interesting to me maybe using some new words to replace daddy might help improve that bit.
On top of that the presentation, i just see a brick wall of words it is kinda stressful on the eyes. Those are just 2 things i can nit pick about the work but as i said, i still enjoyed it followed your message and knew your story with one read. I also enjoyed how you used punctuation in this, it wasn't distracting or out of place or awkward to me.
I see sentences like "daddy i wish i could have favored you more". Personally i think its too wordy, maybe condensing it down to hold the same meaning like dropping "i wish".
"daddy i could have favored you more"
I think it holds the same power as before and it has less words, this is just one example of a possible edit but this is your poetry and not mine i am just hoping to spark ideas do not take this change to heart. Only change if it is something you want to do with your art! Thank you for sharing this I hope you revise it and work on it.
On top of that the presentation, i just see a brick wall of words it is kinda stressful on the eyes. Those are just 2 things i can nit pick about the work but as i said, i still enjoyed it followed your message and knew your story with one read. I also enjoyed how you used punctuation in this, it wasn't distracting or out of place or awkward to me.
I see sentences like "daddy i wish i could have favored you more". Personally i think its too wordy, maybe condensing it down to hold the same meaning like dropping "i wish".
"daddy i could have favored you more"
I think it holds the same power as before and it has less words, this is just one example of a possible edit but this is your poetry and not mine i am just hoping to spark ideas do not take this change to heart. Only change if it is something you want to do with your art! Thank you for sharing this I hope you revise it and work on it.