Daddy

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to The Pig Pen, thank you for the critiques you've given to others.

I think your refrain works well. While somewhat lacking in poetic devices (assonance, metaphor, etc.), it is clear and easy to read and understand. As you've chosen to use commas and question marks I'm wondering why you omitted periods. In line 2 I don't think you need "everyday".

On the home page there's a link to a fun read, Colin Ward's Poetry Tips. Hope you enjoy the site.

Daddy  
© 2014
Daddy
                           
Daddy rest in peace, you were a good man
Every morning you'd wake up and go to work, everyday  
You never missed a single softball game,or any of my birthdays
For me there wasn't anything you wouldn't do
Those were your words, but so far from the truth.
Yeah daddy you were a good man,
until that bottle hit your hand
I'd  watch  the red fill up your eyes
That's when I'd try to hide under my bed
After momma ran off with the neighbor
things started to change, you looked at me in a different way,
all the games we used to play, were replaced with ones I hate
The next morning you'd cry and say I love you
I'd forgive you, hoping it was true
You never kept your word or put that Crown down  
I used to wish her memory would have left  with her
but it hung around like a bad dream
you tried your best you said, but only your best to drown her away
you left me with these nightmares that wont ever go away
I can still hear your voice inside my head
You look more and more like your mother  everyday
Daddy I wish I could have favored  you more
But would it have mattered anyway?
I'd  watch  the red  fill up your eyes
That's when I'd hide, try to stay out of your way
Now they’ll never understand
When they see me with this gun in my hand.
Yeah daddy, you were a such good man
until that bottle hit your hand