stAge Fright Edit 1.01 Ella, leah, christophersea

[tectak]

Tom, I read this one before. However, I don't
recall my original critique. Nonetheless, some thoughts
on this version are:

>In line 3, ‘won’t’ may run smoother than ‘will not.’

>Why not ‘sand’ instead of ‘sands’ in line 5?

>You could create more breathing room. I know
you are not a fan of white space, but perhaps
‘I say…’ could start a new stanza.

>Then you could drop ‘exit stage left’ to its own line.

>This may be too melodramatic for you, but that last line
could be dropped down to insert some white space before
your close.

See what you think, Cheers/Chris

Hi Chris,
I hink I may have posted this in another place...cannot remember.
I am getting a little too defensive for my own image these days but I read "will not" as meter-made whereas "won't" stumbles.I'm not going for strict meter just the old smooth reading kind
Yes. Sands is just wrong.Well caught.
( exit stage left) was the original, as I recall. Weight of opinion changed it to as is. I will take a view. We both may win.
I am not averse to white space but it IS open to pausative (and if that ain't a word, it should be) translation. I mean, two blank lines....four.....twelve?