02-04-2015, 11:15 PM
Tom, I read this one before. However, I don't
recall my original critique. Nonetheless, some thoughts
on this version are:
>In line 3, ‘won’t’ may run smoother than ‘will not.’
>Why not ‘sand’ instead of ‘sands’ in line 5?
>You could create more breathing room. I know
you are not a fan of white space, but perhaps
‘I say…’ could start a new stanza.
>Then you could drop ‘exit stage left’ to its own line.
>This may be too melodramatic for you, but that last line
could be dropped down to insert some white space before
your close.
See what you think, Cheers/Chris
recall my original critique. Nonetheless, some thoughts
on this version are:
>In line 3, ‘won’t’ may run smoother than ‘will not.’
>Why not ‘sand’ instead of ‘sands’ in line 5?
>You could create more breathing room. I know
you are not a fan of white space, but perhaps
‘I say…’ could start a new stanza.
>Then you could drop ‘exit stage left’ to its own line.
>This may be too melodramatic for you, but that last line
could be dropped down to insert some white space before
your close.
See what you think, Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris