Humpback Anthem-Edit 1

[onepapa]

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss, maybe 'through' rather than 'across'?
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.
Fat and strong and ripe with life, I think 'with life' is a little weak and cliché-ish, I thought you might lose it altogether? "Fat and strong and ripe, I left...."
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep I went to my trusty thesaurus for other words for 'terrible' but I was disappointed. I also don't think whales would think the abyss was terrible at all.
and found again the warm blue reefs.
I sound into the depths,needs a stronger transition, so the descent has a real tension compared to the joyful ascent. I think you need at least one more line describing the downward trip.
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, sorry, 'blood ablaze' is even more cliché-ish.
flightless wings askew. I like 'askew' here, it brought a vivid and active picture to mind, and I have seen exactly those happy crooked flippers on NatGeo.
I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.
For now we sing the winter sun. sing to?
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

Leah,

Excellent comments! Thank you for taking the time to critique this for me. You have given me several things to carefully think about and that is exactly what I needed. I used "across the abyss" to get the sssss going but "through" is a lot better word choice so now I have to choose between syntax and sonics or maybe even come up with something better.... which is why this is so much fun. I used "terrible" as that is the long journey where the whales are vulnerable in unregulated waters but I was having a problem with this anyway as I have too many adjectives working in this strophe. More work to do. Such fun.

Thanks

onepapa