02-02-2015, 04:14 AM
tectak,
Thanks for the useful and thoughtful critique. The shift in tense is definitely a problem and I am in the process of fixing that one... an easy fix and I just missed it. And yes, I simply goofed when typing and had a capital where none is needed... thanks for pointing it out. Your comments in the text are also very helpful and I will work on this in redraft. I agree that I have too many adjectives...I got a little carried away. Thanks again. Very helpful.
onepapa
You are very right about the tense changes in this poem. They need to be fixed and I am working on it now. I was trying to talk about the mother whale in one area and to talk about the mother and the baby in another so I need some mix of tense in the progression of the strophe but I goofed it up.
Thanks also for the interesting comment on the meter. I was more worried about the sonic effects when read aloud and let the meter go where it wanted while specifically working in the alliteration, assonance and simple consonant repetitions.
Line 17 was supposed to be a referral to the whales singing in joy over the birth of the young and the simple pleasure of the warm water. A fix is needed there too plus I have too many "the"s in that strophe.
Thanks for taking the time to make useful comments.
onepapa
Thanks for the useful and thoughtful critique. The shift in tense is definitely a problem and I am in the process of fixing that one... an easy fix and I just missed it. And yes, I simply goofed when typing and had a capital where none is needed... thanks for pointing it out. Your comments in the text are also very helpful and I will work on this in redraft. I agree that I have too many adjectives...I got a little carried away. Thanks again. Very helpful.
onepapa
(02-01-2015, 05:27 PM)monmac Wrote: Onepapamonmac,
What a lovely beautiful poem effort
I have seen humpbacks in the wild and many tv programmes about them and this poem does very well to capture their travels and beauty.
It is broken into nice level of verses but there is a mix if me and us ans so this should be adjusted.
I am not sure on line 17 meaning?
The meter is not bad to me. Whether or not you gave specific thought to it
(01-31-2015, 01:06 PM)onepapa Wrote: My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.
Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.
I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew.
I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.
For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.
You are very right about the tense changes in this poem. They need to be fixed and I am working on it now. I was trying to talk about the mother whale in one area and to talk about the mother and the baby in another so I need some mix of tense in the progression of the strophe but I goofed it up.
Thanks also for the interesting comment on the meter. I was more worried about the sonic effects when read aloud and let the meter go where it wanted while specifically working in the alliteration, assonance and simple consonant repetitions.
Line 17 was supposed to be a referral to the whales singing in joy over the birth of the young and the simple pleasure of the warm water. A fix is needed there too plus I have too many "the"s in that strophe.
Thanks for taking the time to make useful comments.
onepapa