02-02-2015, 01:41 AM
Yeah this one is funny. I like it. I have to think about the fact I got what a crocodile sounds like right off. Like when you were a kid and you would slow down a note as much as you possibly could, make your vocal chords tick, maybe just to irritate the crap out of your sister. And I definitely got that internal state of mind of the viewer, the difficult but happy decision to hold that air in and just move that knee on up and down, get that heel tapping. Cause you try and sing after all those smokes they are all going to look at you and it's going to be bad, because you are bad - that niece isn't hot at all is she.
The first time I read it I clipped "fail" from "flail", partly because "flail" is awkward phonetically to me and partly because I've seen too much YouTube, but that word makes this line too sticky to be very vivid. But then "fail" seemed out of place - that said I wanted some more pieces between this line and "Grandpa's unaware".
It definitely evokes a mashup of places and images for me.
Rereading, I think "become microphones" is little bit weaker than it might be - not concrete enough to image and not abstract enough to ponder (for sure). I like "grandma thinks she's Cher" and the direct rhythm in this and "grandpa's unaware". It occurs to me that it's also funny if you just remove the nieces line
"Bottle for a microphone
grandma think's she's Cher
Grandpa's unaware
..."
But then then that just seems like one piece and maybe the rhyme is too direct.
I keep thinking of the word "popcorn" here. I don't mean that disparagingly I don't think. It has me thinking about whether or not I am way too biased toward poems that contain some sort of emotional tension or... perceptual heft, some problem or paradox... probably I am, very badly that - and this one is just a nice smile.
I realize now that this is the same author as the night pond hockey poem - and the images it evokes are things I've never seen but that have been described to me, or somehow I have imagined... like the Christmas Eve "Mummers Parade" in rural Newfoundland my wife has described to me and the stages I've seen for it (wood stove hot Newfie kitchens)
The first time I read it I clipped "fail" from "flail", partly because "flail" is awkward phonetically to me and partly because I've seen too much YouTube, but that word makes this line too sticky to be very vivid. But then "fail" seemed out of place - that said I wanted some more pieces between this line and "Grandpa's unaware".
It definitely evokes a mashup of places and images for me.
Rereading, I think "become microphones" is little bit weaker than it might be - not concrete enough to image and not abstract enough to ponder (for sure). I like "grandma thinks she's Cher" and the direct rhythm in this and "grandpa's unaware". It occurs to me that it's also funny if you just remove the nieces line
"Bottle for a microphone
grandma think's she's Cher
Grandpa's unaware
..."
But then then that just seems like one piece and maybe the rhyme is too direct.
I keep thinking of the word "popcorn" here. I don't mean that disparagingly I don't think. It has me thinking about whether or not I am way too biased toward poems that contain some sort of emotional tension or... perceptual heft, some problem or paradox... probably I am, very badly that - and this one is just a nice smile.
I realize now that this is the same author as the night pond hockey poem - and the images it evokes are things I've never seen but that have been described to me, or somehow I have imagined... like the Christmas Eve "Mummers Parade" in rural Newfoundland my wife has described to me and the stages I've seen for it (wood stove hot Newfie kitchens)