Pancakes in the Stream(edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and Ella)

[RiverNotch]

[b]Pancakes in the Stream [/b](edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and ella)

Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face,
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
I fear. My mind is melting away.

I'm kinda missing the commas at the ends of lines 3 and 4.
The second and third sentences feel like they don't belong on the same stanza. Their surreal nature sort of fits, yes, but the sudden jump of ideas feels like something better expressed with the development of a new stanza. 
And it's not that my mind is melting away is too blunt an ending (the fact that it's blunt, I think, makes the whole poem sound more melty, and reinforces the whole dissoluble nature of the poem), it's just that I feel there's something more that could be put there. Not necessarily a new idea, nor a restatement of the old ones: just the addition of one tiny image, connected but distinct, to enhance the reader's visualization of the poem, could really do wonders with this.


In general, though, I like the whole disconnected but straight to the point nature of the poem. It feels like a good mirror to love while under the influence of something dissociating, like drugs, dementia, or sleep deprivation; the feelings I've had while waking up from a dream of absolute bliss are almost perfectly encapsulated in this neat little poem. Though again, another image at the end might just do it for me.