02-01-2015, 11:39 AM
Thank you for the feedback. Your flashbacks to Narcissus sort of fit, I think, since that's sort of the subject of the poem.
New edit. I added punctuation to the first two stanzas, but I'm not very sure if it's well, appropriate, or if it works in clarifying the subjects. I made a somehow clearer version of the first line, but I don't think it's that important, since the image of the stanza seems to have stuck throughout. I also clarified for a bit the ending I was trying to get at, but now that last line kinda feels awkward to me. And the appropriate word changes, as per ella's feedback.
New edit. I added punctuation to the first two stanzas, but I'm not very sure if it's well, appropriate, or if it works in clarifying the subjects. I made a somehow clearer version of the first line, but I don't think it's that important, since the image of the stanza seems to have stuck throughout. I also clarified for a bit the ending I was trying to get at, but now that last line kinda feels awkward to me. And the appropriate word changes, as per ella's feedback.