01-30-2015, 07:12 PM
(01-29-2015, 11:21 PM)71degrees Wrote: Once we climbed through what came
between us, we were granted our shine These two lines sound so light and airy, like the kind of love you seem to be showing here: how lovely. I would suggest adding a bit more color to this part (like the color red; this whole poem just feels so red), but this doesn't really need any mucking about with anyway.
Pillows smell almost abstract, our lightness I think a comma should end this, for proper punctuation's sake. I like the indecipherably quaint nature of this line, though. I can really smell the pillows.
a Klee that never changes, even I didn't really know about Paul Klee until I read some of the pieces of feedback on this poem. Knowing who he is sheds some light on this line, but when I didn't really know him, it was a bit jarring to have a reference come at me that I couldn't get....but only a tiny, tiny bit, as the light and slippery sound of the name feels very appropriate to this whole thing.
thirty-five years after the paint has dried Lovely.