01-29-2015, 10:30 AM
Well, speaking as one who's new to this too - I think it's brill.
I think it needs more punctuation. "Technicolor shards of plastic imagination" - good image but seems like too many words. Love the dialogue throughout, and the theme of needing coffee., which is the consolation prize at the end. I like the surreal morning sucked out the door, leaving a vacuum (couldn't help thinking vacuum as in vacuuming!). There's so much to like about this eg "plump yellow bus", and "book bok bok". It's full of life.
I think it needs more punctuation. "Technicolor shards of plastic imagination" - good image but seems like too many words. Love the dialogue throughout, and the theme of needing coffee., which is the consolation prize at the end. I like the surreal morning sucked out the door, leaving a vacuum (couldn't help thinking vacuum as in vacuuming!). There's so much to like about this eg "plump yellow bus", and "book bok bok". It's full of life.