SECOND EDIT: Sermon on the Destruction of Icons
#21
(01-16-2015, 08:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  SECOND EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion 


From Eve in vines about her legs
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull teem with lice. These first four lines are so good! I'm a bit bothered by what sounds to me as a mildly awkward internal rhyme at this last line, but I don't think that's a problem that could, or should, be addressed. I'm also a bit bothered by the fact that, at least from how I read this, and from what I remember of Bible school, you're referring to idol worship at the time of Eve: Biblically speaking, they still knew and worshipped the one God at this time, and the fact that the laws at this point have yet been codified sort of bothers me even more. If you're trying to make a real forceful theological piece, you should try to be more accurate with your rhetoric, at least.

The Christ Himself a sack of rice, Christ sounds like a real heavy boy here. *laughs a bit*
Held in his mother's drooping arms, "Drooping" is weird for me, here. A mother would not carry her baby with weak arms, and all those images of Mary I keep seeing show her as a real proper mother. A different adjective would be better here. Of course, you may be just trying to show something here with that word, like the inherent weakness of pagan idols or something, but if so, then I don't buy it.
Will grease your eyes in Roman homes. I would go for a colon instead of a period here, just to show that the thought continues.
God is not blind to ancient charms.

These are the idols John warned us "John warned us" is such an awkward, awkward ending, and I usually here people referring to John Calvin by his last name rather than his first. 
might damn our poor flock's naive hearts. "naive hearts" is also pretty awkward, since naive is such a, er, fluid word, that even though each syllable is distinct, the two sound more like one, at least for me.
If hammers be the rage of Christ[comma] Also, "rage of Christ" is just not something I feel would be appropriate here. Rather go for something more appropriate to his character, you know? Then again, he did get sort of angry at the Temple/Marketplace thing, but still...rage is just too strong a word here.
We all must break these pagan arts. And this line feels like a dud. Doesn't have the same sense of power or, er, poetic clarity as the rest of this, and I'm sure this could be reworded something better.

The elders preached in rooms of stone,
Down aisles built for yearning sheep. These two lines evoke a very strong sense of magnificent humility that is really, really good! One problem, though: aisle is monosyllabic. Your meter's off. Maybe tunnels or apses or hallways would be better? And, I dunno, the affirmation here that they preached without idols is not that strong, for me, but that's another problem I don't think you have to address.
The rocks that make their tombs will say:
A heart of Rome will find no sleep. I prefer using a comma and quotation marks here, but that's really rather arbitrary. Also, "A Roman heart" sounds ages clearer, I think.
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RE: SECOND EDIT: Sermon on the Destruction of Icons - by RiverNotch - 01-27-2015, 07:03 PM



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