01-23-2015, 10:45 PM
I feel like you could expand this and make your point stronger. When you talk about us needing an "enlightened generation", maybe speak on how it starts with its predecessors? Like where they have failed and succeeded with raising this one. And I agree with Guzzi, in that this is kind of big-picture/superficial feeling. With such strong language, maybe make your points more concise? I enjoyed it overall. I think the flow could use attention, but that is not my strong suit.
Also, I feel like the "what we have now, well it just doesn't work" seems ambiguous and unfinished.
Also, I feel like the "what we have now, well it just doesn't work" seems ambiguous and unfinished.