01-22-2015, 12:51 PM
616,
I have no problem with the first two stanzas, although some might call you out for the "many a boy's" phrase, and true this is not written from the perspective of someone who would use such a line unless your name is "Robert Plant." There is a problem with the IP of the second line in the couplet that tends to jar the reader out of the poem. Yeah, lines four and six of S4 really wreck the poem, if for nothing else the rhyme is just too cheesy.
I'm not wild about the "Mildewed minds" phrase. It is obvious that you are going for some alliteration, but alliteration is one thing you do not want to be obvious, as doing so takes away from having it in the first place. Plus "Mildewed minds" does not really bring to mind a clear image, or any image at all. How can a mind be mildewed, and what does that mean. Not a clue.
If you wanted to keep the rhyme at the end (and I would argue for a different rhyme), the fifth line should be removed, especially as it is redundant anyway. So you would end with rhyming couplets. I am of course envisioning that these two lines will change, at least enough to get rid of that rhyme.
"Decaying from the aroma
Sends many men into a coma " (Oh, before I forget, there is no reason to start every line with a capital. Such practices went out in the 1950's when they discovered that not doing so made the poem much easier to read.)
Also, even with the added line the phrase "Decaying from the aroma" makes little. We are never told why the smell would cause decaying, in fact all we know of her is she likes to swallow cum. Is this why the smell of her breath causes decay? If it does the connection completely eludes me (ah, alliteration). Neither, it seems does the reader know her "her essence" that she puts "in their shells." So there are all these nice word paintings, but nothing concrete to attach them to, which ultimately make the poem senseless.
Mel mentioned that there was a double entendre on the play of names of Isis the Egyptian goddess and ISIS. I never saw the second ISIS ever emerge. Certainly a person could jump to that conclusion, but I see nothing besides the similarity in names that connects ISIS to this poem. As the writer also seems to confirm that he took inspiration from this line that confirms this is the name of the Egyptian goddess, Isis. "O, how superior is the Eye of Horus to the Mouth of Isis." All the imagery seems geared to this line as it continues to reference the "mouth" of Isis throughout the poem.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
I have no problem with the first two stanzas, although some might call you out for the "many a boy's" phrase, and true this is not written from the perspective of someone who would use such a line unless your name is "Robert Plant." There is a problem with the IP of the second line in the couplet that tends to jar the reader out of the poem. Yeah, lines four and six of S4 really wreck the poem, if for nothing else the rhyme is just too cheesy.
I'm not wild about the "Mildewed minds" phrase. It is obvious that you are going for some alliteration, but alliteration is one thing you do not want to be obvious, as doing so takes away from having it in the first place. Plus "Mildewed minds" does not really bring to mind a clear image, or any image at all. How can a mind be mildewed, and what does that mean. Not a clue.
If you wanted to keep the rhyme at the end (and I would argue for a different rhyme), the fifth line should be removed, especially as it is redundant anyway. So you would end with rhyming couplets. I am of course envisioning that these two lines will change, at least enough to get rid of that rhyme.
"Decaying from the aroma
Sends many men into a coma " (Oh, before I forget, there is no reason to start every line with a capital. Such practices went out in the 1950's when they discovered that not doing so made the poem much easier to read.)
Also, even with the added line the phrase "Decaying from the aroma" makes little. We are never told why the smell would cause decaying, in fact all we know of her is she likes to swallow cum. Is this why the smell of her breath causes decay? If it does the connection completely eludes me (ah, alliteration). Neither, it seems does the reader know her "her essence" that she puts "in their shells." So there are all these nice word paintings, but nothing concrete to attach them to, which ultimately make the poem senseless.
Mel mentioned that there was a double entendre on the play of names of Isis the Egyptian goddess and ISIS. I never saw the second ISIS ever emerge. Certainly a person could jump to that conclusion, but I see nothing besides the similarity in names that connects ISIS to this poem. As the writer also seems to confirm that he took inspiration from this line that confirms this is the name of the Egyptian goddess, Isis. "O, how superior is the Eye of Horus to the Mouth of Isis." All the imagery seems geared to this line as it continues to reference the "mouth" of Isis throughout the poem.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.