01-22-2015, 11:58 AM
You really need to break the lines...
The first few lines already told what you want to write about, then it getting really off due to excessive expression, so I lost my motivation in reading. I think It is better if you try to rearrange the idea of what you want reader to feel at first then what after that. It is important that the readers must feel some kind of connection between them and your work (Maybe the first bit, but after that are too random). In overall, it feel like hook part from an online advertising than a poem.
The first few lines already told what you want to write about, then it getting really off due to excessive expression, so I lost my motivation in reading. I think It is better if you try to rearrange the idea of what you want reader to feel at first then what after that. It is important that the readers must feel some kind of connection between them and your work (Maybe the first bit, but after that are too random). In overall, it feel like hook part from an online advertising than a poem.