01-20-2015, 04:11 AM
Hi Paul,
I'm thinking that "dream begat dream" would be enough. "begat" is connotative heavy and definitely has Biblical overtones; maybe you wanted this, although I do not see the advantage. Possibly "birthed" might be an option. "engender" would be an excellent word except it messes up the rhythm.
I agree with Marcella, the last line is superfluous. doing away with it makes for a much cleaner and efficient poem.
Possibly "this" for "it" in L5.
Nearly all of these suggestions are of a personal nature so please feel free to ignore, I just wanted to give you a different look at things.
Dale
I'm thinking that "dream begat dream" would be enough. "begat" is connotative heavy and definitely has Biblical overtones; maybe you wanted this, although I do not see the advantage. Possibly "birthed" might be an option. "engender" would be an excellent word except it messes up the rhythm.
I agree with Marcella, the last line is superfluous. doing away with it makes for a much cleaner and efficient poem.
Possibly "this" for "it" in L5.
Nearly all of these suggestions are of a personal nature so please feel free to ignore, I just wanted to give you a different look at things.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.