01-18-2015, 05:20 AM
(01-18-2015, 04:50 AM)Heslopian Wrote:...."and that" as they say, is better than an adjective or two(01-17-2015, 07:02 PM)tectak Wrote:Thank you for your great follow-up feedback, tectak! I'll use most of it in a third edit. As for "cold bleak bricks" and "proud Papist hearts", I don't like to pile on adjectives because it often sounds false to my ears. Your recommendations for verses two and three are excellent and will be made use of. Yours, Octogenarian Octopusxxx(01-16-2015, 08:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote: FIRST EDIT:[/b]
Hi hes,
excellent edit. Only a couple of nits. See in text.
Best,
tectak
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed, I know you cling tenaciously to your capital line starts like some octogenarian octopus but you end up with a surfeit such that it makes me pull up every time I see a capital letter, never being sure if you have had second thoughts on a line break and forgot to remove the old capital. Is saintly any more in need of a capital than ,say, idols. You make yourself inconsistent in my front room.
We see the brass bull snort with life.
These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts. I know all about equality but why capitalise pagan...er ...and not arts?
From this meek house of stone I preach, " In this meek house of stone I preach.." You will see why.
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep, "from pulpit fit for cloistered sheep"...otherwise you preach this pulpit. End this sentence with...oh, what is it called....ah, yes , a period.
And these bleak bricks will tell you now: "These cold (eg) bleak bricks..." gets rid of the weak "and".
That Papist hearts will find no sleep. A missed opportunity here, to get rid of that "that". As you are now "telling" rather than "teaching" you can also lose the colon to a comma. " These cold, bleak bricks will tell you well,
proud papist hearts will find no sleep" Your poem.
ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.
These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.
I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
(01-18-2015, 01:42 AM)milo Wrote:I didn't realise that line was so impressive. I'll add another verse for it(01-16-2015, 08:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote: FIRST EDIT:The best line in the poem was "and god himself a sack of rice"
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull snort with life.
These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts.
From this meek house of stone I preach,
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And these bleak bricks will tell you now:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.
These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.
I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
So it is perplexing that you removed it. (although it does need a comma)Thank you, milo!
(01-17-2015, 09:03 PM)ellajam Wrote: Hi, thanks for posting this, I found the original effective even with its faults and have a few issues with the edit. I understand the issues others had with L4/5 but I loved the image and miss it. I would prefer an edit something along the lines ofThank you for your excellent feedback, ellajam, and I'm glad you liked "naive hearts"! That gives me the impetus to see if I can work it in again
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
to heavy in His mother's arms
our God Himself a sack of rice.
or something better, but keeping that image.
I also prefer the line "Would bring to folly naive hearts." to the edit. While the line itself need rearranging the meaning for me was much more perceptive than that broad, preachy "wicked" in the edit.
I think the change from morbid to Pagan hits your target well, though the icons are both the change hits harder.
Just my two cents.
(01-16-2015, 08:10 AM)Heslopian Wrote: FIRST EDIT:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
We see the brass bull snort with life.
These are the idols John warned us
Would curse our flocks with wicked hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ
We all must break these Pagan arts.
From this meek house of stone I preach,
This pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And these bleak bricks will tell you now:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
ORIGINAL:
"... for five hundred years, during which religion was in a more prosperous condition, and a purer doctrine flourished, Christian churches were completely free from visible representations" - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
From Eve in vines about her legs,
Like fetters forged in Paradise,
To Saintly men in grief reposed,
And God Himself a sack of rice,
Slid limply in His mother's arms.
These are the idols John told us
Would bring to folly naive hearts.
If hammers be the rage of Christ,
Let men destroy these morbid arts.
I speak to thee from place of stone,
A pulpit fit for cloistered sheep,
And this dark stone will teach thee well:
That Papist hearts will find no sleep.
?Best,
tectak

