01-17-2015, 04:49 AM
Thanks Tecktak, but I have to edit one of my poems out.
The first thing, is I wanted not the sky, but the actual morning to glow with blue. A fault on my part no doubt, I just wanted you to know the idea behind it.
After I posted this and was in the car, I started thinking about the poems and it hit me, umber is not the right word. I meant like somber, Umber means like brown. I was embarrassed.. Lol
In my last poem it seemed like it was taken as superflous so in these I left them much more open. Still to an irritating fault I suppose.
I'm going to explain myself some though.
The first line of the first poem I used "holds" because I like the poetry of it. Of course mornings cannot hold things, but you still get the idea I think. I never want my writing to be too straight forward, I feel like that would make it less like poetry and more like, well... Just writing.
Why would I not say as? I thought syntax was important. Do you think I should start a poem with two one line sentences?
I say the morning holds blue, not the sky, Maybe I should clarify to the ether is blue, because it was literally blue outside this morning. Probably obscurity on my part. But none the less, I can see the glow of the morning and the frost at the same time.
Maybe: "The morning air holds/glows a somber blue
As I peer from my window
To the frosted earth."
You're right about the ice in the second stanza. The "but" was referring to the lack of snow. No snow, but Ice, which I really meant to describe the frost but I didn't want to reuse the word frost. Keen eye, friend.
Lastly you say, who cares if I was in a hurry. Well, who really gives a shit about my poetry? I don't behold an Internet forum as a prestigious institution(not to disregard this site, I think it's great) I'm really looking to speak poetry with other humans casually. I'm lax in my posting.
And I hope I haven't come off the wrong way. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.
But I'm going to delete the one you critiqued because, I agree it is not very good. I just posted these, honestly to see if I was closer to hitting the mark.
One last thing, do you care to give me an opinon on the other poem? I like it better, and would really like to hear your thoughts on the entire thing. I know you don't like the last line, and honestly I do not either .
The first thing, is I wanted not the sky, but the actual morning to glow with blue. A fault on my part no doubt, I just wanted you to know the idea behind it.
After I posted this and was in the car, I started thinking about the poems and it hit me, umber is not the right word. I meant like somber, Umber means like brown. I was embarrassed.. Lol
In my last poem it seemed like it was taken as superflous so in these I left them much more open. Still to an irritating fault I suppose.
I'm going to explain myself some though.
The first line of the first poem I used "holds" because I like the poetry of it. Of course mornings cannot hold things, but you still get the idea I think. I never want my writing to be too straight forward, I feel like that would make it less like poetry and more like, well... Just writing.
Why would I not say as? I thought syntax was important. Do you think I should start a poem with two one line sentences?
I say the morning holds blue, not the sky, Maybe I should clarify to the ether is blue, because it was literally blue outside this morning. Probably obscurity on my part. But none the less, I can see the glow of the morning and the frost at the same time.
Maybe: "The morning air holds/glows a somber blue
As I peer from my window
To the frosted earth."
You're right about the ice in the second stanza. The "but" was referring to the lack of snow. No snow, but Ice, which I really meant to describe the frost but I didn't want to reuse the word frost. Keen eye, friend.
Lastly you say, who cares if I was in a hurry. Well, who really gives a shit about my poetry? I don't behold an Internet forum as a prestigious institution(not to disregard this site, I think it's great) I'm really looking to speak poetry with other humans casually. I'm lax in my posting.
And I hope I haven't come off the wrong way. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.
But I'm going to delete the one you critiqued because, I agree it is not very good. I just posted these, honestly to see if I was closer to hitting the mark.
One last thing, do you care to give me an opinon on the other poem? I like it better, and would really like to hear your thoughts on the entire thing. I know you don't like the last line, and honestly I do not either .