01-16-2015, 11:03 PM
Jack,
Your offering excels as a very effective diatribe from someone opposed to religious depiction. Your first two lines are gorgeous! If your initial stanza refers to iconic artwork, you could readily indicate that in your title by simply changing the word ‘Images’ to ‘Icons’ therein. However, that may not be what you want.
The ‘from’ and ‘too’ that you employ in stanza 1 calls for some sort of conclusion in my mind, but there is none. It seemed to need a subject/verb preamble or postscript during my read, for example:
‘…from sea to shiny sea and across continents in between…, ‘ sounds like an incomplete sentence without placing something like ‘we surged’ fore or aft. I wonder if swapping the period after arms for a colon would settle that, so that 'these are the idols' serves the purpose.
A ‘sack of rice’ implies a heavy and inert object to me. ‘Slumped weighty/heavy’ or something in that vein might be more apropos.
I’m ambiguous about the ‘ye old speak’ and first word capping methinks,’ but it does fit your theme. Nonetheless, in your close, are both ‘thee’s needed for repetition? The same goes for the ‘stone’s and the ‘will’s. If you want to avoid word duplication, you could substitute an ‘all,’ ‘rock’ and ‘shall’ for one of each, respectively.
‘Papist’ capitalized is an intriguing choice, since it is usually employed as a derogatory term for Catholics loyal to the Pope over the Church. It adds a poignant note to that last line!
See if anything in this critique aids you in your next edit. Cheers/Chris
Your offering excels as a very effective diatribe from someone opposed to religious depiction. Your first two lines are gorgeous! If your initial stanza refers to iconic artwork, you could readily indicate that in your title by simply changing the word ‘Images’ to ‘Icons’ therein. However, that may not be what you want.
The ‘from’ and ‘too’ that you employ in stanza 1 calls for some sort of conclusion in my mind, but there is none. It seemed to need a subject/verb preamble or postscript during my read, for example:
‘…from sea to shiny sea and across continents in between…, ‘ sounds like an incomplete sentence without placing something like ‘we surged’ fore or aft. I wonder if swapping the period after arms for a colon would settle that, so that 'these are the idols' serves the purpose.
A ‘sack of rice’ implies a heavy and inert object to me. ‘Slumped weighty/heavy’ or something in that vein might be more apropos.
I’m ambiguous about the ‘ye old speak’ and first word capping methinks,’ but it does fit your theme. Nonetheless, in your close, are both ‘thee’s needed for repetition? The same goes for the ‘stone’s and the ‘will’s. If you want to avoid word duplication, you could substitute an ‘all,’ ‘rock’ and ‘shall’ for one of each, respectively.
‘Papist’ capitalized is an intriguing choice, since it is usually employed as a derogatory term for Catholics loyal to the Pope over the Church. It adds a poignant note to that last line!
See if anything in this critique aids you in your next edit. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris