01-16-2015, 01:42 PM
Jack,
I see no need to do a line by line as I only have three comments.
Having a fifth line in S1 sets up an expectation that the pattern will continue, especially as it is a very specific type of pattern. In the first four lines you have set up a stanza of ballad meter (which you continue in S2 and S3), iambic tetrameter w/ axax rhyme scheme (quite nice actually). The fifth line breaks that fairly well known pattern for a line that is somewhat awkward. The word paring of "Slid limply" strikes me as odd. for one, I am not even sure if that is possible. I am not sure how one slides limply. Although I guess it technically wouldn't, it seems as though the two should be exclusionary. I just have a hard time visualizing it. I think maybe part of the problem is instead of using 'through' "His mother's arms" you use "in". Saying "in" makes it sound stationary. So then I wonder how can something "slid in arms?" I'm not sure it can. Plus I'm not even sure this happened. I have seen paintings where she held him in her arms and he was limp, but I do not know if this is such a well known icon it warrants breaking from you ballad meter, especially as you do not continue it further on. It is a fairly common usage to add a fifth line to something like ballad meter as it seems to make the stanza end on a sigh, but to only use it once causes a major disruption in the poem. Anyone with any knowledge would immediately recognize the discrepancy and with less informed readers who might not notice at a conscious level, I think it would still have an impact on the way the poem effected them. It is often just such below the radar sorts of things that takes a potentially good poem and turns it into a mediocre one.
I'll get this out of the way before I forget it. I really think you could do away with capping the start of every line, and could probably lose the commas at the ends of those lines, if for no other reason it makes the reading easier.
OK, the third thing and then we are done. This line:
"I speak to thee from place of stone"
Despite that it is in iambs and does have the correct number of feet, this is probably the worst line I have seen you compose. Of course it should say,
"I speak to you from "a" place of stone." That would unfortunately screw up the meter, but your solution for this line cannot be allowed. You write all of these really nice lines of iambic tetrameter that actually come across as having weight (certainly a triumph in this form), but then you throw out this completely off pitch note in the middle of this nice melody. I'm sure you must have been aware of this before I pointed it out. (I don't know if KK mentioned it also. I generally do not read other peoples' critiques before I have written my own as I do not want to be influenced by them.)
Yet there it is, use whatever tired cliche you choose to describe it, "sticks out like a sore thumb," or whatever. It needs to be rectified post haste.
So there are my three comments. Not really a proper critique for "serious" but it's all I have at the moment.
Despite my objections I do like the poem. It is quite amazing that you have such good material with these few horrible things mixed in. Usually it tends to be the other way around. Nice to see you back.
Dale
The line itself seems somewhat clumsy
I see no need to do a line by line as I only have three comments.
Having a fifth line in S1 sets up an expectation that the pattern will continue, especially as it is a very specific type of pattern. In the first four lines you have set up a stanza of ballad meter (which you continue in S2 and S3), iambic tetrameter w/ axax rhyme scheme (quite nice actually). The fifth line breaks that fairly well known pattern for a line that is somewhat awkward. The word paring of "Slid limply" strikes me as odd. for one, I am not even sure if that is possible. I am not sure how one slides limply. Although I guess it technically wouldn't, it seems as though the two should be exclusionary. I just have a hard time visualizing it. I think maybe part of the problem is instead of using 'through' "His mother's arms" you use "in". Saying "in" makes it sound stationary. So then I wonder how can something "slid in arms?" I'm not sure it can. Plus I'm not even sure this happened. I have seen paintings where she held him in her arms and he was limp, but I do not know if this is such a well known icon it warrants breaking from you ballad meter, especially as you do not continue it further on. It is a fairly common usage to add a fifth line to something like ballad meter as it seems to make the stanza end on a sigh, but to only use it once causes a major disruption in the poem. Anyone with any knowledge would immediately recognize the discrepancy and with less informed readers who might not notice at a conscious level, I think it would still have an impact on the way the poem effected them. It is often just such below the radar sorts of things that takes a potentially good poem and turns it into a mediocre one.
I'll get this out of the way before I forget it. I really think you could do away with capping the start of every line, and could probably lose the commas at the ends of those lines, if for no other reason it makes the reading easier.
OK, the third thing and then we are done. This line:
"I speak to thee from place of stone"
Despite that it is in iambs and does have the correct number of feet, this is probably the worst line I have seen you compose. Of course it should say,
"I speak to you from "a" place of stone." That would unfortunately screw up the meter, but your solution for this line cannot be allowed. You write all of these really nice lines of iambic tetrameter that actually come across as having weight (certainly a triumph in this form), but then you throw out this completely off pitch note in the middle of this nice melody. I'm sure you must have been aware of this before I pointed it out. (I don't know if KK mentioned it also. I generally do not read other peoples' critiques before I have written my own as I do not want to be influenced by them.)
Yet there it is, use whatever tired cliche you choose to describe it, "sticks out like a sore thumb," or whatever. It needs to be rectified post haste.
So there are my three comments. Not really a proper critique for "serious" but it's all I have at the moment.
Despite my objections I do like the poem. It is quite amazing that you have such good material with these few horrible things mixed in. Usually it tends to be the other way around. Nice to see you back.
Dale
The line itself seems somewhat clumsy
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.