01-16-2015, 01:43 AM
Tom,
" Botox, cross-dresser with gender challenge in gay (ended) relationship. Bugger, now you know!"
I had already figured this out
before I saw your note telling me
what the poem was about.
____________________________________
"You made me swing as high as screams in nightmares;
until they pierced my dreaming, waking me."
Non-sequitur metaphor
This was bothersome. Not only is it somewhat senseless, the second line does not follow at all. It has nothing to do with the metaphor of "swinging high" = "the high pitch of screams in nightmares." There is the additional problem of the reader associating the height of passion with "Nightmares," which seems something you would not want, unless you are trying to imply that being swung high is equal to a nightmare. The second line is as inexact as it is superfluous. I'll not even talk about the word usage of "dreaming" "waking" side by side.
Just to start, in the first line nightmares are generic, they are not the speakers nightmares, they are just nightmares: "as screams in nightmares". Yet somehow in the second line they have become the speakers nightmares as they now have the power to wake him: "until they pierced my dreaming, waking me." However this is really moot as the speaker being awakened has not a thing to do with swinging high, unless you are trying to imply that the swinging high is a nightmare and the horror of it (swinging high/high passion) reaches such a point that it wakes the speaker from the passion he is feeling. If this is what you intended it did not succeed. The best you succeeded in doing is confusing the reader, at least this one.
Although this is an interesting idea, I think the poem fails because the treatment of the main character is too superficial. I never really connect to the person, and thus this poem does not engage me at an emotional level, making the piece interesting but of no impact. This gives me the feeling of having watched "Cirque du Soleil" on acid. I have the vague idea of someone preforming on a trapeze but I am unable to follow where that leads as I am overwhelmed by the confusion of the riot of colors and sound, and at the end, we all fall down.
"Goodnight Irene, I'll see you in my dreams." --Leadbelly
Dale
PSST One other note, I think I agreee with all of what ellapatella said, at least I think I do. I was unaware that one could only use a semicolon to separate independent clauses. I wish that were true, it would make it a lot easier for me to know when to use a semicolon and a colon.
" Botox, cross-dresser with gender challenge in gay (ended) relationship. Bugger, now you know!"
I had already figured this out
before I saw your note telling me
what the poem was about.
____________________________________
"You made me swing as high as screams in nightmares;
until they pierced my dreaming, waking me."
Non-sequitur metaphor
This was bothersome. Not only is it somewhat senseless, the second line does not follow at all. It has nothing to do with the metaphor of "swinging high" = "the high pitch of screams in nightmares." There is the additional problem of the reader associating the height of passion with "Nightmares," which seems something you would not want, unless you are trying to imply that being swung high is equal to a nightmare. The second line is as inexact as it is superfluous. I'll not even talk about the word usage of "dreaming" "waking" side by side.
Just to start, in the first line nightmares are generic, they are not the speakers nightmares, they are just nightmares: "as screams in nightmares". Yet somehow in the second line they have become the speakers nightmares as they now have the power to wake him: "until they pierced my dreaming, waking me." However this is really moot as the speaker being awakened has not a thing to do with swinging high, unless you are trying to imply that the swinging high is a nightmare and the horror of it (swinging high/high passion) reaches such a point that it wakes the speaker from the passion he is feeling. If this is what you intended it did not succeed. The best you succeeded in doing is confusing the reader, at least this one.
Although this is an interesting idea, I think the poem fails because the treatment of the main character is too superficial. I never really connect to the person, and thus this poem does not engage me at an emotional level, making the piece interesting but of no impact. This gives me the feeling of having watched "Cirque du Soleil" on acid. I have the vague idea of someone preforming on a trapeze but I am unable to follow where that leads as I am overwhelmed by the confusion of the riot of colors and sound, and at the end, we all fall down.
"Goodnight Irene, I'll see you in my dreams." --Leadbelly
Dale
PSST One other note, I think I agreee with all of what ellapatella said, at least I think I do. I was unaware that one could only use a semicolon to separate independent clauses. I wish that were true, it would make it a lot easier for me to know when to use a semicolon and a colon.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.