The wind beckons the high branch

[tectak]

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch
Which awakens the shadow below- Why have you capitalised "Which". Do you know? I do not. What is the dash for? Do you know? I do not
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-lightWhy have you capitalised "Who". Do you know? I do not. Who IS who? Who refers to a person. Who is this person.You do not say. Is grainy a descriptor of colour? No. So it describes the light. Grainy sharp?
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow. Why have you capitalised "begins". Do you know? I do not. The inversion in this last line is a horrendous victim of the need to rhyme. Change it, especially as you have no rhyme scheme!

Note. Capitalising line starts is retro, pseudo-poetic, pointless and confusing. It was never a good idea which is why it largely faded out over 50years ago. Learn to punctuate to clarity. You will get help on this site. Read your work out loud and "hear" where you need to pause. Don't play with dashes -either  emm or enn - until you understand when to use them.

The sun-drenched day and long warmth sun drenched cIiche
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray; bright and serene seem contra
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether Over -poetic and wordy. Is it grey or sepia? Has it faded or is it still bright? In fact, how the hell does something fade in to brightness. It is an unholy mess.
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day. Conjoining of  abstracts is an interesting hobby...milo would argue that ether is not an abstract but I would say try to hold it Conjoining with dreary is just as difficult conceptually

But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies-
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows. Aaaaaarrrrrgggggh to this whole stanza and that is putting it mildly as fitting in this forum. This is verbal vomit...calm down. You are infatuated with the words and not caring of anything else. Punctuate to clarity....be clear in metaphor. A metaphor should clarify and this often means simplification. I can "see" all of your images, for that we should both be commended, but clean it up. To many modifiers block the flow of the piece, causing the reader to become out of step with whatever vestige of rhythm you have incorporated. Your biggest problem is your breathless prose. Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. This stanza is so extended by your endless exhalation- but, with, which, as- that one would think that your death was imminent




I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well. Who needs crit
This is a first draft, and there is are most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it. NO, NO....for Pete's sake NO
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight  to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that? I have no idea what you are asking
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. It doesn't. It acts as a reflectorJust wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque. Huh?
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that? You are in danger of becoming pretentious. Say no more!
Calm down and carry on,
Best,
tectak

Thanks for reading