01-15-2015, 03:09 AM
I also need more read, but had to check in.
I LIKE 'yellow-brown'. I immediately had a vivid image of that tub.
I don't get 'Tom Burdettless'. I even Googled it, thinking I was (as usual) pop-culture-impaired, but I only got insurance agents and FB pages.
Luby's must be particular to Austin, I had to figure out that it was a diner from the context.
I was grossed out by the depth of your (inaccurate) description of the sound of slicing into human flesh. It only makes a noise like that in grade B horror movies. In real life it is quite silent.
I do think you belabor some of your images. Example: "The feeble pathetic torso-joined-limbs
of the multi-tentacled “twice weekly support group” " WHOA NELLIE!
I like the premise of the poem, but if you are going to do depressing meaningless suicides, you need to stop jerking the reader out of the mood with strange unrelated musical references and one-upping one (or two) too many times.
One last quibble: I didn't like the repeated reference to the daughter as "green eyes". If the color of her eyes is important, you never tell us why that is.
Also, I've never seen charcoal used for a narcotic overdose.......
Your poem is definitely not boring, and I also consider it "worthy."
Will give you a more thorough read later.
Best, Leah
I LIKE 'yellow-brown'. I immediately had a vivid image of that tub.
I don't get 'Tom Burdettless'. I even Googled it, thinking I was (as usual) pop-culture-impaired, but I only got insurance agents and FB pages.
Luby's must be particular to Austin, I had to figure out that it was a diner from the context.
I was grossed out by the depth of your (inaccurate) description of the sound of slicing into human flesh. It only makes a noise like that in grade B horror movies. In real life it is quite silent.
I do think you belabor some of your images. Example: "The feeble pathetic torso-joined-limbs
of the multi-tentacled “twice weekly support group” " WHOA NELLIE!
I like the premise of the poem, but if you are going to do depressing meaningless suicides, you need to stop jerking the reader out of the mood with strange unrelated musical references and one-upping one (or two) too many times.
One last quibble: I didn't like the repeated reference to the daughter as "green eyes". If the color of her eyes is important, you never tell us why that is.
Also, I've never seen charcoal used for a narcotic overdose.......
Your poem is definitely not boring, and I also consider it "worthy."
Will give you a more thorough read later.
Best, Leah