01-13-2015, 04:31 PM
Lucifer exacted every point I intended to make. Which is odd because it is his first post as well as mine and his name reckons of the devil. Pigpen has already shedded some mystique on me.
Anyways, I would at the very least drop the "at" in "where he could not be"
It seemed you tried to cement a sort of quasi rhyme, maybe not, but it does not work regardless.
The whole line could be refurbished really.
The part about the " knights " seem clichèd, it has a trivial air to it. I don't forsee a resolute, aged man (I'm assuming) envision a fanciful idea such as that about his sons.
The poem is not bad though. I liked it. I do think, though, it could be re-worked and made better.
But let me reiterate: Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Anyways, I would at the very least drop the "at" in "where he could not be"
It seemed you tried to cement a sort of quasi rhyme, maybe not, but it does not work regardless.
The whole line could be refurbished really.
The part about the " knights " seem clichèd, it has a trivial air to it. I don't forsee a resolute, aged man (I'm assuming) envision a fanciful idea such as that about his sons.
The poem is not bad though. I liked it. I do think, though, it could be re-worked and made better.
But let me reiterate: Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.