01-12-2015, 02:23 AM
"How many would you suggest"
Well I suppose it depends on the individual. As I am obdurate the "fuck you" gesture would not effect me one way or another, the same with the "good egg". However, other people are not me (which I would think would be obvious, yet I felt compelled to state it just in case there was a misunderstanding on the subject), and for that they should count themselves lucky no doubt. However those people who are not me tend to be effected in varying degrees by such negative comments. I would suppose one would need to take into consideration the personality of the person so abused, if this is not known then consider them to be in the most thinned skinned category. Failing this, one might consider the ratio between a sin and how many prayer beads one has to pray on to be absolved and let that number guide him. It is so unfortunate you have no moral compass, as they say, and we have to construct these artificial rules to guide you through these disturbed social waters, but one never mined gold complaining about the lack of rain in the Gobi.
I bundled rhyme and meter together as there were exceptions to both. Although I recognized the rhyme pattern you were in, it broke in the 3rd stanza, Did it?plus there was the addition of interior rhyme. To make things easier (for me) I decided to see it as incidental rhyme and not address it as the error in the 3rd, as seemed not to effect the poem and so I was attempting to bypass it so I would not have to talk about something that did not really impact the poem in a negative way. Lord-Absurd I believe would be the CC part of your rhyme scheme, yet it does not rhyme. In terms of meter, you start out as per usual for you in seven foot lines, either whole or broken. However this pattern is not maintained so the most one can call it is iambic free verse. Although not entirely accurate (I was practicing a little hyperbole of my own, it seemed appropriate considering the tone of the poem), by labeling it as such allowed me not to have to examine it; except where otherwise noted it had no negative effect on the poem.
________________________________________________________________________________________
So now that we have the frivolous queries accounted for, on to the less frivolous queries: to whit...
Oops, maybe not:
"I hope that the "million" reference is out of ignorance..Peanuts cartoon. Lynus "I bet there's a million, gillion, zillion grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world.". Charlie Brown, after a pensive delay, " I bet there isn't"."
" a father’s name; a million heads turn round."
An interesting rejoinder, however as this is linked to a specific event and even though that event is undefined the number would be specific and hyperbole would not be proper. So in this instances the safe harbor of hyperbole turns into a shear face. Frivolously sheer. So I agree but still argue numbers. Is it of any more consequence if higher or lower? Poetry rules OK?
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"it is a mystery often used as the basis for low grade war crimes...kill your enemy who was not born in your country. If you want to survive in a hostile place, deny your place of birth. That is all"
"it is a mystery often used as the basis for low grade war crimes" I see, I was unaware of that. Sadly, fast atrocities rarely, if ever, involve excusatory (and if that ain't a word it should be) questions, in spite of the cock crowing thrice fable. Unless YOU KNOW otherwise, your nationality is often the condensate that kills. Borders breached oftimes result in murderous forays...perhaps territorial disputes are lower key than attrition or religion...but they are the easiest to justify; and after all, if you want to eliminate your enemy, you occupy his land. Tell me I'm wrong...to the victor, the spoils. Could you refer me to the article or wiki page with footnotage that demonstrates this is a correct assertion as I have never heard about it before, and as that is true I would never be able to make the connection, however, were I aware of such I seriously doubt I would have made the connection. If you want proof, I'll write a wiki article
Possibly, maybe this is a little joke at the readers expense; that when you trot out this gomerel goat after the fact your followers will say oh how deep- and mysterious Tom is, when in truth you are only obtuse? In Truth Obtuse...my new epitaphRegardless, you can count on me to keep your secret: taïaut and onward through the bog.
___________________________________________________________
"It alliterates, it represents the black appareil of the ISIS phenomena, it contras the "sunny places" (do not even go there...sunnY I said), and it is an expression of sadness that a country is going through a "black" phase in its evolution. Yes, I really did think like this as I wrote the words"
Of course we should never question your thinking: from God's mouth to our ears, oh worshipful Lord! BTW what is appareil? "appareil" is a typo masquerading as a franco-american meaningful word. Bon innit? Do they have them in other colors? Wellaway, I guess we may never know, or should we know it matters not.
Well that's nice, all that stuff you say up there, except what are the chances of anyone figuring it out. I usually read a minimum of at least one story a day dealing with the Da’ash from three different sources, to keep from getting a slanted view of what is going on. So if one were going to make that connection it would seem like I would. Evidently I must be more dense than I thought. I promise in the future I will become better at reading your mind.
___________________________________________________________________
" Honest excuse? I didn't want to bring in another fictional character. It was the devil's hands originally. Thoughts?"
Yes, I sensed that also, and "devil's hands" did come to mind, and I rejected it for probably the same reason you did. One thing you might consider is changing this line, "They kill us with commands," so it has a different ending allowing you more flexibility. I didn't say anything, but I didn't particularly care for that line as it hung out there. It made sense when it was connected with the rest of the sentence, but I think that line in itself should at least imply some meaning. How does one kill someone with commands? Go fuck yourself with a rusty bayonet, for example Usually when one uses enjambment it is because the short line implies something either by itself or in connection with what came before it, so that it is being used by both the line before and after, or split between the two if you will. This seem to do neither. Of course I am not a fan of enjambment, so I generally try to remain mum on the matter, but as you are looking for a solution to your last line, maybe you could upgrade both. If for no other reason than to give you greater flexibility to find a solution for your last line. No. I mean yes. I do not embrace
enjambment.
I sometimes do it because the devil has me...I sometimes do it because it will bring out the devil in others...I sometimes do it deliberately.
___________________________________________________________________________
In general I like this poem, it reminds me of that line from Yeats "Second Coming,"
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
It also has that "Book of Revelations" end time vibe to it, and I have always found that "apocalyptic" idea intriguing. I'm not implying this is about apocalypse or an apocalypse, just that for me it has that tone. I guess in modern parlance it would be call dystopian, however that is much more shallow in scope.
lingua in maxillam ( are you sure you know what that means ) Of course I am not sure. Wikipedia translated it
Your disobedient servant,
dale
Although not drunk, my allergies are so bad I can scarce type five words before having to stop to sneeze, plus my eyes are all but swollen shut. So forgive me if some of my writing is a bit off. I would hate to think that you did not understand all of my insultsDelighted you are back on form. Good egg 
Best,
tectak
Well I suppose it depends on the individual. As I am obdurate the "fuck you" gesture would not effect me one way or another, the same with the "good egg". However, other people are not me (which I would think would be obvious, yet I felt compelled to state it just in case there was a misunderstanding on the subject), and for that they should count themselves lucky no doubt. However those people who are not me tend to be effected in varying degrees by such negative comments. I would suppose one would need to take into consideration the personality of the person so abused, if this is not known then consider them to be in the most thinned skinned category. Failing this, one might consider the ratio between a sin and how many prayer beads one has to pray on to be absolved and let that number guide him. It is so unfortunate you have no moral compass, as they say, and we have to construct these artificial rules to guide you through these disturbed social waters, but one never mined gold complaining about the lack of rain in the Gobi.
I bundled rhyme and meter together as there were exceptions to both. Although I recognized the rhyme pattern you were in, it broke in the 3rd stanza, Did it?plus there was the addition of interior rhyme. To make things easier (for me) I decided to see it as incidental rhyme and not address it as the error in the 3rd, as seemed not to effect the poem and so I was attempting to bypass it so I would not have to talk about something that did not really impact the poem in a negative way. Lord-Absurd I believe would be the CC part of your rhyme scheme, yet it does not rhyme. In terms of meter, you start out as per usual for you in seven foot lines, either whole or broken. However this pattern is not maintained so the most one can call it is iambic free verse. Although not entirely accurate (I was practicing a little hyperbole of my own, it seemed appropriate considering the tone of the poem), by labeling it as such allowed me not to have to examine it; except where otherwise noted it had no negative effect on the poem.
________________________________________________________________________________________
So now that we have the frivolous queries accounted for, on to the less frivolous queries: to whit...
Oops, maybe not:
"I hope that the "million" reference is out of ignorance..Peanuts cartoon. Lynus "I bet there's a million, gillion, zillion grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world.". Charlie Brown, after a pensive delay, " I bet there isn't"."
" a father’s name; a million heads turn round."
An interesting rejoinder, however as this is linked to a specific event and even though that event is undefined the number would be specific and hyperbole would not be proper. So in this instances the safe harbor of hyperbole turns into a shear face. Frivolously sheer. So I agree but still argue numbers. Is it of any more consequence if higher or lower? Poetry rules OK?
_______________________________________________________________
"it is a mystery often used as the basis for low grade war crimes...kill your enemy who was not born in your country. If you want to survive in a hostile place, deny your place of birth. That is all"
"it is a mystery often used as the basis for low grade war crimes" I see, I was unaware of that. Sadly, fast atrocities rarely, if ever, involve excusatory (and if that ain't a word it should be) questions, in spite of the cock crowing thrice fable. Unless YOU KNOW otherwise, your nationality is often the condensate that kills. Borders breached oftimes result in murderous forays...perhaps territorial disputes are lower key than attrition or religion...but they are the easiest to justify; and after all, if you want to eliminate your enemy, you occupy his land. Tell me I'm wrong...to the victor, the spoils. Could you refer me to the article or wiki page with footnotage that demonstrates this is a correct assertion as I have never heard about it before, and as that is true I would never be able to make the connection, however, were I aware of such I seriously doubt I would have made the connection. If you want proof, I'll write a wiki article
Possibly, maybe this is a little joke at the readers expense; that when you trot out this gomerel goat after the fact your followers will say oh how deep- and mysterious Tom is, when in truth you are only obtuse? In Truth Obtuse...my new epitaphRegardless, you can count on me to keep your secret: taïaut and onward through the bog.___________________________________________________________
"It alliterates, it represents the black appareil of the ISIS phenomena, it contras the "sunny places" (do not even go there...sunnY I said), and it is an expression of sadness that a country is going through a "black" phase in its evolution. Yes, I really did think like this as I wrote the words"
Of course we should never question your thinking: from God's mouth to our ears, oh worshipful Lord! BTW what is appareil? "appareil" is a typo masquerading as a franco-american meaningful word. Bon innit? Do they have them in other colors? Wellaway, I guess we may never know, or should we know it matters not.
Well that's nice, all that stuff you say up there, except what are the chances of anyone figuring it out. I usually read a minimum of at least one story a day dealing with the Da’ash from three different sources, to keep from getting a slanted view of what is going on. So if one were going to make that connection it would seem like I would. Evidently I must be more dense than I thought. I promise in the future I will become better at reading your mind.
___________________________________________________________________
" Honest excuse? I didn't want to bring in another fictional character. It was the devil's hands originally. Thoughts?"
Yes, I sensed that also, and "devil's hands" did come to mind, and I rejected it for probably the same reason you did. One thing you might consider is changing this line, "They kill us with commands," so it has a different ending allowing you more flexibility. I didn't say anything, but I didn't particularly care for that line as it hung out there. It made sense when it was connected with the rest of the sentence, but I think that line in itself should at least imply some meaning. How does one kill someone with commands? Go fuck yourself with a rusty bayonet, for example Usually when one uses enjambment it is because the short line implies something either by itself or in connection with what came before it, so that it is being used by both the line before and after, or split between the two if you will. This seem to do neither. Of course I am not a fan of enjambment, so I generally try to remain mum on the matter, but as you are looking for a solution to your last line, maybe you could upgrade both. If for no other reason than to give you greater flexibility to find a solution for your last line. No. I mean yes. I do not embrace
enjambment.
I sometimes do it because the devil has me...I sometimes do it because it will bring out the devil in others...I sometimes do it deliberately.
___________________________________________________________________________
In general I like this poem, it reminds me of that line from Yeats "Second Coming,"
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
It also has that "Book of Revelations" end time vibe to it, and I have always found that "apocalyptic" idea intriguing. I'm not implying this is about apocalypse or an apocalypse, just that for me it has that tone. I guess in modern parlance it would be call dystopian, however that is much more shallow in scope.
lingua in maxillam ( are you sure you know what that means ) Of course I am not sure. Wikipedia translated it
Your disobedient servant,
dale
Although not drunk, my allergies are so bad I can scarce type five words before having to stop to sneeze, plus my eyes are all but swollen shut. So forgive me if some of my writing is a bit off. I would hate to think that you did not understand all of my insults
Delighted you are back on form. Good egg Best,
tectak
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.