01-11-2015, 07:32 AM
Tom,
you are such as ass some times. Not in regards to this poem, but to your bitchy like replies (I actually I only read one, but I know how you can be), I don't think one "good egg" absolves of ten fuck you. Granted, one would think that it would be easy enough to understand that Mohammed symbolizes Islam, and that the epitaph of "sneaking thief" which could apply literally to Mohammed, applies figuratively to Islam. I should think it is clear enough that it needs no changes.
I don't know how I missed this one. You should inform me whenever you post a poem as you know how I look forward to eviscerating them
Well, into the breach, and other military cliches.
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Your rhyme pattern as well as your line count is all over the place, so we'll make it simple and call it iambic free verse with incidental rhyme, that way I need not comment on what otherwise would be mistakes: no mistakes, no comments. This leaves me free to make off the top of the head comments and snide remarks about your snide poem.
" a million heads turn round." A bit of a under estimate I would think. Just the current number of Christians is 2.4 billion persons. One would suspect it would be many times that if put within the historical timeline as you seem to do. If you mean to refer to an event like the Crucifixion, one would have to estimate at best a hundred and in reality less than half of that. So with the million mark in association with the heads turn around, either literally or figuratively it really doesn't seem to apply to much of anything without a stretch, or if one were looking at it with a lack of knowledge, that a large portion of the world lives their daily lives with, or without if you will. You could be looking at such through their eyes, but it does not seem a very effective device. Your poem, as you say.
"No John, or David, Pete or Mat" This to me seems a cheap attempt at humor, I think it is beneath you. Not beneath me, but definitely beneath you.
"Though saints infest the West, the East protects the sneaking thief"
Despite that this is seven feet of iambs, it still reads awkwardly to me. I can appreciate the internal rhyme of "infest" and "west," and the idea of a saint infestation is very humorous.
I thought stanza dos had a lot of words for the little it actually said. I am being generous and assuming the time you are referring to is somehow related to the Abrahamic religions, or just poorly played hyperbole. Either way it seems to do little to move the poem along or for comic relief. This line "a mystery made secret by your place of birth" makes little sense as no such thing is in evidence. Whether referring to one of the big three Abraham, Jesus, or Muhammad, or any of the three religions, taken seriously, satirically, or comically, I can find no foothold in meaning.
What follows could easily apply to Islam's Jihadist, and Christian Martyrs and thus echos the first stanza line: "that steals her sons from thoughtful life"
"the young treat death as blessed demise to trade for early paradise; and everlasting dreams."
Those are some nicely written lines.
"in black Iraq," the "in black" is purely there for the meter and nothing else, do not even try to deny it. As far as I can discern this construction of yours " black Iraq" is just that, your construction, as this fantasy exists no where outside your poem except in reference to "black Iraqis," or the "black market" in Iraq. That is to say the term appears totally without definition to the outside world. Although I like the feel and the look of it, I cannot abide that it has absolutely no meaning.
" to glorify a Lord." This seems a bit odd. That is to say, it makes one pause to consider. Considering it seems you are dealing exclusively with the Abrahamic religions and they all worship the same "God" (I'll not explain this as I know you know), I think if you must, it would probably have a sharper point to say, "to glorify a Faith," as it is the difference in religion that causes the problem as Muslims worship the same "God" as Abraham worshiped. It is the religion that has decided to name him "Allah" and accept that as the only legitimate name. So I think "Faith" (I capitalize as it means the entire religion, not the generic term "faith".) would hit closes to home and drip more satiric acid, as the first does nothing.
The alliteration in the last line can not save you from going off meter, and what would have been a fairly strong idea to end on becomes weak.
I knew through Shakespeare that Hell had fury, or was it no fury, but I never knew Hell had hands (alliteration is not always pretty). Regardless, between the blown meter, and hell being given hands this pretty much puts the coffin nail into your ending. A pity as it is a very good idea, to bad you stabbed it in its sleep. "Good night sweet Prince" Hal now brown caul! Oh my gods you have infected my with all saints disease. I best drink a cup of all spice immediately to expel it from out my body. I write cannot. Spice, spice is nice...
Dale
you are such as ass some times. Not in regards to this poem, but to your bitchy like replies (I actually I only read one, but I know how you can be), I don't think one "good egg" absolves of ten fuck you. Granted, one would think that it would be easy enough to understand that Mohammed symbolizes Islam, and that the epitaph of "sneaking thief" which could apply literally to Mohammed, applies figuratively to Islam. I should think it is clear enough that it needs no changes.
I don't know how I missed this one. You should inform me whenever you post a poem as you know how I look forward to eviscerating them
Well, into the breach, and other military cliches. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Your rhyme pattern as well as your line count is all over the place, so we'll make it simple and call it iambic free verse with incidental rhyme, that way I need not comment on what otherwise would be mistakes: no mistakes, no comments. This leaves me free to make off the top of the head comments and snide remarks about your snide poem.
" a million heads turn round." A bit of a under estimate I would think. Just the current number of Christians is 2.4 billion persons. One would suspect it would be many times that if put within the historical timeline as you seem to do. If you mean to refer to an event like the Crucifixion, one would have to estimate at best a hundred and in reality less than half of that. So with the million mark in association with the heads turn around, either literally or figuratively it really doesn't seem to apply to much of anything without a stretch, or if one were looking at it with a lack of knowledge, that a large portion of the world lives their daily lives with, or without if you will. You could be looking at such through their eyes, but it does not seem a very effective device. Your poem, as you say.
"No John, or David, Pete or Mat" This to me seems a cheap attempt at humor, I think it is beneath you. Not beneath me, but definitely beneath you.
"Though saints infest the West, the East protects the sneaking thief"
Despite that this is seven feet of iambs, it still reads awkwardly to me. I can appreciate the internal rhyme of "infest" and "west," and the idea of a saint infestation is very humorous.
I thought stanza dos had a lot of words for the little it actually said. I am being generous and assuming the time you are referring to is somehow related to the Abrahamic religions, or just poorly played hyperbole. Either way it seems to do little to move the poem along or for comic relief. This line "a mystery made secret by your place of birth" makes little sense as no such thing is in evidence. Whether referring to one of the big three Abraham, Jesus, or Muhammad, or any of the three religions, taken seriously, satirically, or comically, I can find no foothold in meaning.
What follows could easily apply to Islam's Jihadist, and Christian Martyrs and thus echos the first stanza line: "that steals her sons from thoughtful life"
"the young treat death as blessed demise to trade for early paradise; and everlasting dreams."
Those are some nicely written lines.
"in black Iraq," the "in black" is purely there for the meter and nothing else, do not even try to deny it. As far as I can discern this construction of yours " black Iraq" is just that, your construction, as this fantasy exists no where outside your poem except in reference to "black Iraqis," or the "black market" in Iraq. That is to say the term appears totally without definition to the outside world. Although I like the feel and the look of it, I cannot abide that it has absolutely no meaning.
" to glorify a Lord." This seems a bit odd. That is to say, it makes one pause to consider. Considering it seems you are dealing exclusively with the Abrahamic religions and they all worship the same "God" (I'll not explain this as I know you know), I think if you must, it would probably have a sharper point to say, "to glorify a Faith," as it is the difference in religion that causes the problem as Muslims worship the same "God" as Abraham worshiped. It is the religion that has decided to name him "Allah" and accept that as the only legitimate name. So I think "Faith" (I capitalize as it means the entire religion, not the generic term "faith".) would hit closes to home and drip more satiric acid, as the first does nothing.
The alliteration in the last line can not save you from going off meter, and what would have been a fairly strong idea to end on becomes weak.
I knew through Shakespeare that Hell had fury, or was it no fury, but I never knew Hell had hands (alliteration is not always pretty). Regardless, between the blown meter, and hell being given hands this pretty much puts the coffin nail into your ending. A pity as it is a very good idea, to bad you stabbed it in its sleep. "Good night sweet Prince" Hal now brown caul! Oh my gods you have infected my with all saints disease. I best drink a cup of all spice immediately to expel it from out my body. I write cannot. Spice, spice is nice...
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.