01-07-2015, 07:35 AM
Ryan,
Is your avatar supposed to be a human face "Guy Fawkes" mask?
This not a good poem, but except for being way to short it's not a bad slam poem. It is simplistic in it's black and white thinking, which for slam is pretty much a requirement. As slam is spoken, acted the theme must be simple and an "us against them" type of dichotomy as the point is to get them on your side and to rally behind your thesis. Some of the lines read a little awkward to me, but if you can read them to get a energetic syncopated beat that climaxes on the rhyming word at the end of the line, then it is doing what it needs to do. So I would suggest when you begin working with this in terms of preforming it, you will find the need to modify a number of the lines in order to not trip over your tongue. If you are extremely good at rapid patter it might be possible to make it work, but the next question arises, "why would you want to do so?" The only thing lacking is length. The audience would hardly be settled to listen before you would be done, especially if this was read in any kind of energetic way. I think I would make the penultimate line the last line as it is a much stronger line to end on than the current ending line, unless you want to use it as an addendum, such as, a pause, and then
This reality has been"graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations.. "
That would be a way to use it effectively, and punctuate your statement.
If you want to learn how to rhythmically use your voice (assuming you don't no how already), I would suggest start attending a rural black Baptist church. Those preachers basically do slam poetry every Sunday for thirty minutes.
Dale
Is your avatar supposed to be a human face "Guy Fawkes" mask?
This not a good poem, but except for being way to short it's not a bad slam poem. It is simplistic in it's black and white thinking, which for slam is pretty much a requirement. As slam is spoken, acted the theme must be simple and an "us against them" type of dichotomy as the point is to get them on your side and to rally behind your thesis. Some of the lines read a little awkward to me, but if you can read them to get a energetic syncopated beat that climaxes on the rhyming word at the end of the line, then it is doing what it needs to do. So I would suggest when you begin working with this in terms of preforming it, you will find the need to modify a number of the lines in order to not trip over your tongue. If you are extremely good at rapid patter it might be possible to make it work, but the next question arises, "why would you want to do so?" The only thing lacking is length. The audience would hardly be settled to listen before you would be done, especially if this was read in any kind of energetic way. I think I would make the penultimate line the last line as it is a much stronger line to end on than the current ending line, unless you want to use it as an addendum, such as, a pause, and then
This reality has been"graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations.. "
That would be a way to use it effectively, and punctuate your statement.
If you want to learn how to rhythmically use your voice (assuming you don't no how already), I would suggest start attending a rural black Baptist church. Those preachers basically do slam poetry every Sunday for thirty minutes.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.